The Shadow

On Thursday last week at uni we discussed our shadows. That is to say we talked about the side of ourselves that we keep hidden, buried deep from ourselves and others. 

On here it’s no secret that I am bisexual. However, back in the real world it’s something that I keep hidden and try to push aside in an attempt to deny its existence. 

I am a very open minded person when it comes to sexuality. I don’t care if you’re straight, gay, bi, transgender, pansexual or anything else. The only thing that concerns me is that whoever you chose to intimate with makes you happy. 

But, for me being bisexual is disturbing, confusing and contradictory. My earliest experience of anything sexual was when I was 6 and I was abused by an older girl. A couple of years later I experienced a similar relationship with another girl. Whilst I often felt uncomfortable and shy, my body reacted in ways i didn’t understand. It was confusing. 

Despite being attracted to men, I have always felt something towards other females. I have tried on so many occasions to ignore it, tell myself its wrong and that it’s not who I am. But my feelings don’t suddenly disappear. They are there under the surface and I can feel them simmering. 

My shadow is being bisexual and the fact that in real life I keep it under lock and key. I feel ashamed and like I’m living a lie. In recent months I have felt more and more trapped by being married and having kids. I love them all devotedly and would never want to hurt them. But there’s a part of me which feels like its suffocating. I don’t want to cheat on my husband and I don’t want my marriage to end either. 

A massive part of me is incredibly fearful of being close to anyone aside from husband. It terrifies me and in the past when I have been hit on I have frozen. I have pushed advances away by saying I can’t because I’m married when in fact the truth is I sometimes would like nothing more than to kiss that person too and get intimate. But I can’t. Inside my heart races and i can feel everything inside tensing itself. I unconsciously hold my breath and can feel my muscles stiffen. I am scared and uncomfortable. On top of that my head is totally confused. 

One could argue that perhaps this reaction is because I am married and don’t want to cheat. But I think that I would be more inclined to gently push the person away and remind them that i am married. Instead, my reaction is like a familiar feeling which freezes me to the spot and I can’t move, I can’t say anything and I am terrified. Its a feeling that i remember having many times over when I was being abused. 

So I am totally confused. I am attracted to both men and women and have slept with both willingly at different times in my life. But I was younger and unattached, more often than not I was off my face on drugs and alcohol and I didn’t give a shit. Now, I’m older and have commitments and responsibilities which have to come first. 

I started this post on Friday, but my phone died and I chickened out. I was going to delete this because of the shame and embarrassment I feel. I talked to my therapist on the phone today because I had a bad time on Sunday. We discussed briefly about whether it’s possible that the abuse could have impacted on my sexuality. Although its a possibility its pretty unlikely. We also briefly mentioned about my mental health, taking risks and sleeping around can be a big part of BPD and I know that when i was younger it was something I thought nothing of doing. Cyber sex was a big part of my breakdown too… Which I still feel guilty about. My therapist said that she believes that i am very confused and that this is something that I need to work out. Perhaps something we do in my next session. 

Whatever happens, I just want to find a way of being comfortable with who I am. 

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