Being a fuck up

It feels like everything is getting fucked up. I managed to get my arse into uni on Thursday. I was late, but I took quetiapine the night before which eventually knocked me out and I struggled to get up. The fact I had managed to get there in once piece was a minor miracle. 

Although I knew there were people who were my friends, I felt totally disconnected from everyone and everything. It was a strange and horrible feeling to have. I felt like I didn’t belong there, that i wasn’t wanted. Everyone has their own shit to deal with and me and mine are becoming a nuisance. 

Since then I have grown steadily more concerned about going again. Its probably paranoia, but I feel like everyone is against me. I know it’s probably all in my head, that I’m most likely seeing and feeling things that aren’t real. 

Four years ago I was at another uni doing social work. I remember going to a lecture and this overwhelming feeling of danger and distrust grew inside of me. I felt like everybody was staring at me and plotting against me. 

I’m beginning to feel like that again.The thoughts and feelings, the fear, dread, paranoia all building up inside of me. I know that it’s most likely all in my head, but there’s a little voice inside saying that I’m a fuck up and what do I expect. People’s patience runs thin, get fed up and don’t want to be a part of whatever bollocks it is that you’re carrying around with you. 

To top this off, I had a shitty time talking with my dad on Friday. I got mad with him. I was angry because despite my telling him what my diagnosis is there was this idea that he and my step mum have that I should be better now. It made me feel let down and pissed off. I got upset, and I don’t generally get upset with my dad. I told him again that my diagnosis is borderline personality disorder and that along with that I have depression and severe social anxiety. Its not something that you can pop a few antidepressants and magically feep better. Im in weekly therapy to work on all the crap and its going to take time. There’s almost 34 years worth of crap up to the point of the breakdown i had and then there’s all the things that come up now. So it’s going to take time to manage it all and it’s only in the last few weeks that I have accepted this. Trying to explain this to my dad was exhausting. And frustrating. 

I feel like I’m just one giant fuck up. My marriage has been through the mill, I can’t talk to any of my family about anything, I am messing up the one thing i really want for myself because I’m to scared to go in. It’s an irrational fear, but I just don’t feel safe having to go out by myself. I wish I didn’t have this fear but wishing it away isn’t going to magically make things better. 

Right now, i just feel extraordinarily lost. I don’t know who I am, what I want, how to achieve these things or if I can ever really get there. Life just seems like a giant jigsaw puzzle and I’ve either got some of the wrong pieces or they are missing. I don’t know how to work the puzzle out and at times I just want to chuck it away and be done with it.