Time is a precious commodity which does not wait for anyone. The clock ticks by second by second, minute after minute, hour after hour. It is relentless and once those seconds, minutes and hours have passed by there is no second chance. You can’t get them back. The day melts into night and before you know it those days have blurred into each other and weeks go by. There’s no let up in it’s relentless momentum.
Insomnia, depression and anxiety eat into that precious time. Life isn’t lived, just survived and all you do is exist in this darkend, lonely world with no way of escape. There’s no way to get back that time which has been lost battling the demons that lurk in your head.
Life is passing you by as you sit on the sidelines watching, aching desperately inside to be a part of it. To have a role to play and the ability to embrace and embody that role with all your being.
No one else feels the pain, the longing or the sadness that dwells deep inside. Words simply cannot adequately describe the agony which this creates inside your head. Thoughts and feelings are jumbled, emotions are in freefall and life just feels unbearable and pointless.
Some how, some way, the days and nights are survived. More often than not it feels like a minor miracle. But that feeling of self doubt that you can manage another hour let alone another day simply doesn’t let up. It’s burrowed itself so deeply that it feels like you will never be rid of it.
My days feel endless, sleep evades me at night and only descends as the sun comes up to greet those ‘normal’ mortals who sleep as they should. This existence is isolating and just increases depression and anxiety. Feelings of being useless and a waste of space build in strength and it feels like it’s never going to end.
I am told by many people that I am intelligent and capable, but this current situation leaves me feeling that I am anything but those things. My attention span is that of a nat and my energy is non-existent yet I am restless and bored. My brain wants to be stimulated and my body wants me to participate in the art of living.
It’s a confusing and irritating place to be. I’m sleepwalking through a no-mans-land which is filled with treacherous mountains, ravines and dark, thorny forests. The pathway is a never-ending maze of twists, turns and forks which just adds to the myriad of chaos I’m trying desperately to navigate.
That magical light that is meant to be a beacon of hope teases by getting brighter only to suddenly disappear. It leaves me feeling lost, fumbling around in the dark hoping that I’m not going to trip and fall.
Yesterday I had to battle panic attacks in order to make it into uni. I don’t normally feel anxious about Thursday’s as its the part of the course I enjoy the most and I get on well with the people in my group. My chest felt tight, my heart raced and I felt nauseous. It kept coming in waves, over and over again. I just wanted to sleep so I was a bit more rested. I fought so hard to get through the first year and I desperately want to complete the whole thing so that I can become a counsellor. I want to work with people who have suffered similar trauma as me. I want to help others and make what happened to me mean something more than the pain I feel inside. It feels foolish to want those things when I can’t help myself. I stumble with every step I take and make a mess of the things again and again.
This year at uni is flying by, the days blur into each other and I keep losing track of time. I get muddled about which day it is and forget important things constantly. Daily living is like climbing a steep hill. I’m exhausted.
I reach out for help and it takes forever for anything to be done. The doctor can’t even get the facts right when writing a referral to the psychiatrist. The dire need for sleep and the extent of insomnia doesn’t seem to register so the prescription is next to useless and there is no follow up. Instead I am left self medicating in the hope that something will do the trick. All I want is to sleep at night and be able to function during the day. Is that really to much to ask?