We are four days into the new year and I have spent much of that time either asleep or procrastinating. In fact, most of the Christmas holiday was spent like that. I have no prescription for sleeping pills right now so I have made do with over the counter shit which doesn’t help me to get to sleep, it helps me to stay asleep once it finally comes.
This has pretty much meant that I am awake until 3 or 4 am and then completely out of it until 12, 1 or even 2pm. No wonder I can’t sleep now. It’s so stupid. I am taking them early enough for them to either kick in or wear off but my sleep pattern is totally screwed.
Being a full-time student and mother has also meant that I have had a shit load of things to do and absolutely no energy or motivation to do a thing. I have relished bedtime so I can forget about the day and what I haven’t achieved and hope that the following day will be more productive.
I have swallowed pills of all types and washed them down with alcohol of some kind. Tonight i have washed the pills down with wine, which is rapidly going to my head. But I know that I am a long way from being tired enough to sleep. And then tomorrow I am going to wake up feeling shit and unable to focus on anything.
Co-codamol features again on an almost daily basis. I have managed to convince myself that if I only take it three days in a row and then miss a day this will avoid me becoming addicted. I am sure it’s all utter nonsense, but it’s what my head needs to hear right now.
I feel really lost at the moment. I am not sure what the fuck is going in and which direction I am actually facing. I want to work on my uni stuff because it’s important to me. It’s what I want for me therefore I feel that I have to do it. If I don’t I am failing myself. But then, there is also the fact that my family are relying on me to eventually find a job and help with the finances. So there is the other pressure. I am hard on myself, but the added pressure of having a family relying on me to make something of myself is somewhat intimidating and scares the shit out of me. I am scared of amounting to nothing. Of being less than I could be. I am scared of being a failure and people believing that this is all I am. My record to date would suggest that they are right. I never stick at anything, I rarely ever get to the finishing line.
Tomorrow it’s two weeks since my last counselling session but instead it feels like months. I NEVER thought for one minute that I would miss going to counselling. It has been ridiculously hard and overwhelming at times. I really have gone from not wanting to go and finding any reason not to attend to living from one weekly session to the next. I have felt lost these last couple of weeks.
I have an appointment next wednesday for an assessment with the local mental health team. I am not sure what I am meant to tell them other than the fact that I can’t sleep and that I have messed it up even more over the holidays because I had no prescription so found a way to self-medicate.
I feel really low as well. More low than I have in a while. I am trying to keep myself going, to remind myself of how far I have come etc, etc. But instead I am thinking look where you are falling. Look at all the steps backwards you have taken. What a fucking failure I am.
I have so much uni work to do I no longer know where to start or how to do it. And then being a wife and a full time mum I am failing at those things too. I have no inclination to do anything. I just want to hide away from everything and everyone. I am seeking solace from a bunch of pills and at the bottom of a bottle.
I absolutley detest all the excitement about the end of the year and seeing in the new year. I hate it. I stay up to see it in, but I do not get excited about it. Yep, we say goodbye to one year and look forward to what the next might bring, but the fact is, last years problems are likely to still be present in the following year and getting excited and waking with a raging hangover is not going to change that fact. New years resolutions are made only to be broken within days or perhaps weeks if you are really committed. But the new year is not going to change anything for me mentally or emotionally. I still have all the same issues as I had in 2016, difference is that it is now 2017.
I realised earlier today that it was 20 years ago on the 2nd of December last year that I took a massive overdose. Twenty years ago I was 17 years old and had no idea what I was doing. I was miserable, drinking stupid amounts of alcohol and feeling lost. I had no idea what my purpose in life was. It’s really fucking sad to think that 20 years on I am no further forward and that I am still doing the same things I was doing back then.
I am not thrilled about having to go to this appointment next week. It feels like I literally just go round and round in circles. I go for an assessment, I then meet with the psychiatrist, then I go to treatment, then I get discharged to then get referred back to restart the process. Only difference is that because I have undertaken the DBT course which is somehow meant to magically resolve all my bpd issues, they will harp on and on about whether I am using the skills I ‘learnt’ and grill me about what I am doing to make things better.
It drives me fucking crazy.
I am fucking crazy.
It would be so nice to write how everything is falling into place and how great life is, but my reality is far from that. I have moments when it feels like I am moving forward and I can feel happy and content. But i feel like I am more often than not just a raging mess of whatever. I don’t get emotions at all. I am filled with them, but I totally mistake other people’s emotional reactions to me. I feel like I am lost in a sea of emotions, feelings and thoughts. My head rages at me constantly and I never know what other people are thinking. I feel that I used to know, that I could figure things out, but now it’s all a mystery to me.
It’s like I am out of my depth. Arm bands would be nice, because at times it feels like I am drowning. I get so lost in them. At the moment I feel really isolated and alone. I don’t know where to turn or what to do. Pills and alcohol don’t have thoughts, feelings and emotions for me to untangle. I don’t have to worry about being good enough, being successful, happy or sad. It doesn’t matter what mood I am in they are always there with no judgment or demands. They just let me be.
So, new year, same shit….