Instability is knocking

The past fortnight has been pretty lousy mentally speaking. Insomnia is plaguing me and the battle to stay strong slips a little more each day. 

On Monday just passed, i was terrified of having another night with no sleep so i took one cocodamol 30/500 tablet. It gave me a familiar buzz but didn’t really do much to help me sleep. 

The previous thursday my counsellor told me to get an appointment as she feels this current bout of insomnia is pushing me closer and closer to the edge. So Tuesday i got an emergency appointment and saw a dr. She prescribed me temazepam. I took it that night and hoped more than ever that it would help. I slept a little but it was really broken and wednesday i felt so low. 

I am not sure what happened, why i gave in but i dug out the razors and cut at my breasts. I feel this intense rage inside me, some aimed at the perpetrators of the abuse, some at those who knew a little and did nothing and then at myself. 

I cut 6 times in the veiled hope that it would lessen the rage and quieten the physical urge to self harm. It didn’t really work. I wanted to do more. I wanted to pop any cocktail of pills so shut my head up, lift my mood and just let me sleep. 

The thursday just passed i attended counselling as usual. She reiterated her concerns especially given that we are coming up to the Christmas break. She wants me to consider getting more support, ie. Going back to the gp and being referred to the psychiatrist again. 

Any of you who have read previous posts from 2014/15 will know my feelings about the local mental health team and the psychiatrist. I don’t see the point. They will just tell me that i need to use the ‘stepps’  skills (aka dbt) to manage all the shitty things going on. I spend everyday trying my hardest to do just that, but it doesn’t work when you’re reaching breaking point. 

Im still trying to reach out and get support from the university and I tell my counsellor everything. So i am trying, i just want something to numb everything and make it all go away. 

At this moment, cocodamol or something containing codeine is at the top of my list of things i want to do. 

To be honest i don’t really know what is going on in my head. I feel like I’ve gone back to being in that state of just surviving and not really living. I feel alone so much of the time and totally lost. I don’t really know where I’m headed any more. I thought i did, i thought that i had a plan and that as long as i stuck to it i would get there. I never accounted for this constant battle with my head. 

It’s like insanity is paving it’s way back into my life and all those things i have fought so hard to get rid of are creeping back in. 

Last night i took 50mg of quietapine. It was fabulous in that it eventually knocked me out. I am not sure what time it was but around midnight… Maybe earlier. I slept until 1pm. But when i woke up i felt hungover and foggy. My brain wouldn’t function. 

Tonight ive taken the temazepam because i have been prescribed it for a max of every other night… Im to ablid taking it if i can. 

To be frank, right now i think I’m just searching for a high to get me out of this slump im feeling. I feel like the addict is waking more and more each day which is why i am struggling to fight. I feel like im slowly going insane. 

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