Teetering on the edge

Right now I feel like I am losing myself. Yesterday my therapist voiced her concern that I am slipping back into the black hole. She penned a letter for me to take with me when I get an appointment to see the gp. She’s told me that it’s essential that I go. I tried to get an appointment but like most doctor’s surgeries these days it was impossible. I have to call back on Monday morning. 

To be honest, at the moment I feel really isolated despite having people around. It is hard to spend all day everyday putting on a fake smile and pretending that all is right in the world. What’s more maddening is how easily irritated i get when I’m around other people. 

The sound of people talking gets under my skin and i want to scream at them to just shut the fuck up. I don’t because obviously the few people I do have in ny life I would like to keep! 

I know that compared to where I have been I have been doing far better. But this feels different. I am not hiding myself behind drugs and booze in the hope that it will make everything go away. However, its also fair to say that fighting this increasing sense of darkness is getting harder as each day passes. I have managed so far to stay away from co-codamol but the temptation is stronger than it’s been since i got clean. I have also come to feel that drinking is a feeling i dont enjoy much and would much rather get high. I know that this is probably the addict in me talking and it scares me. 

Then there are the urges to self harm. Anything that will relieve these feelings is good enough. I’ve kept myself away from the blades for now too, but each day is harder than the one before. 

I’m anxious about everything in my life. I am terrified that I’m going to totally fuck up uni. I don’t want to take time oit because I think having to sit at home is worse for me than trying to focus on something else. I’ve not made it in to lectures much this semester, but I do have a lot of support so as long as things don’t get progressively worse then hopefully i can improve things…. Sooner rather than later. 

I will also admit that I feel pathetic for the array of thoughts and feeling which have emerged since i began to disclose some of the abuse i experienced. They are not what i want and i dont spend all my time dwelling on it. But at night it’s different. I get flashbacks and can’t shut my eyes without seeing something. 

There are some people who believe that the past is in the past and it should stay there. That these thoughts and feelings are ridiculous. That my guilt, shame and self blame are wrongly placed and that I should just move on. 

I wish with all my heart it were that straightforward. I’m not this fucked up because of the thoughts I have. Im fucked up because I have experienced trauma which ive not ever dealt with and on top of it i have mental illness. Its not just a little bout of depression and anxiety. Its a fucking nightmare of an illness caused by a bunch of other things alongside the trauma. The likelihood is that even if id never experienced the abuse i would probably be fucked up anyway. 

I have a personality disorder which makes my life at times a living hell. The smallest, most pathetic thing can trigger and unsettle me. I go round and round in circles, making progress only to get back to the point where things seem pointless and unbearable. 

I would give anything not to feel these things, not to be on this stupid merry-go-round but that’s the hand I’ve been dealt. 

I do feel like I am to blame for many of the things that happened to me. I feel like a total failure in most aspects of my life and a lot of the time i am severely lonely and struggling because there are so few people who seem to understand how fucking debilitating BPD is. I didnt ask for it, I’m doing everything I can to manage it and i guess right now managing the symptoms is proving fucking tough work and I am slipping downhill. But I am still trying. Im still reaching out for help and I am talking to my counsellor even if I struggle to articulate things. 

Im feeling really pissed off right now and totally fed up of everything and almost everyone. Maybe one day I will feel differently about things and I will have figured out how to manage the bpd symptoms and everything else. But for right now, each day I avoid co-codamol, self-harm or believing that i would be better dead is a win. 

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5 thoughts on “Teetering on the edge

  1. The American writer William Faulkner said in one of his stories “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.” We are the sum of our pasts and we cannot escape what we have lived. The best we can hope for is to find a way to live with the influence of our past. We can’t “get over it,” and I think when outsiders suggest that we do, they are merely feeling uncomfortable with dark things about us they don’t want to know about or deal with.

    I wish I could carry some of your burden for you. I hope you find some relief.

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    • Thank you Paul. I agree with what you say and William Faulkner. I am learning that the past is what shapes us into the adults we become regardless of whether the experiences were good or bad. I’ve also learnt that some people may be better equipped to deal with difficult experiences were others aren’t. I hate the fact that I fall into the latter category and that it effects me so much.
      Thank you for your kind words and support.

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  2. Sending hugs your way, you are not pathetic at all, I know you won’t believe me but you’re a strong and lovely woman and great friend, just keep swimming xx

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