I fucked up!

If you have been following my recent posts you will know that I have been having a spell of insomnia which is affecting everything. When I don’t get enough sleep it doesn’t just make me moody, irritable and unable to concentrate, it has a really negative impact on my mental stability.

I have been struggling with uni this semester because of agoraphobia, but since I have been unable to sleep it is far worse. Going out at all has become a living nightmare, trying to read and study is virtually impossible and all those shitty things which come with my mental instability are raising their heads getting ready to make themselves known once more.

The biggest demon to raise it’s head has been the cravings for co-codamol. I have had one part of my head telling me, reminding me how far I have come, what it was like before and how much I don’t want to go back there. Then there is the other side which is trying to persuade me that just one time won’t hurt. It’s not like I can get addicted from just taking it one every now and then. In essence this is true, but this is me, and one time will lead to another and then another and so on. Before I know it I will be hooked….

By Friday night I was beyond exhuasted. I had slept approximately 4 hours in about 3 days or so and I just couldn’t handle another night like the ones I had been having. It makes me feel depressed and lethargic and everything feels like it’s too much. All those things which I have spent the past year trying to hard to manage have been slipping through my fingers and I can feel myself losing control. I don’t want to go back down into that dark hole again, I want to stay in the light.

I didn’t take any co-comadol, instead I found a couple of left over 2mg subutex tablets. I decided that I would take just one. I immediately felt guilty but it was done and now I had to ride it out.

I was buzzing. It was amazing to feel that high again. My head was quiet, my feelings and emotions were calmer than they have been in weeks and I felt chilled out. It was almost euphoric feeling like this again. Magical and delightful. It was heaven.

However, did I sleep? NO I DID NOT!!!! For fuck sake, I just wanted to get some sleep, instead I spent the night falling in and out of consciousness. I got bugger all in the way of sleep. It was like a nightmare. Saturday continued this endless cycle of being awake and then drifting into an unconscious state only to be startled back into reality. I was still sort of buzzing but I also felt really sick and my head was banging. It really was not fun in the slightest. By the time evening came I was beginning to feel a little more back down to earth, but I was even more tired and my head was not feeling good from the point of view of my mental state.

I also have a few quetiapine tablets left over from when I was taking them. My friend suggested that perhaps I try one of them to help me to relax and sleep. I could have done that on Friday, but I didn’t want to feel the Q hangover on Saturday as I had to do a couple of things. As it turns out, I was a raging mess from the subutex so taking Q in the first instance might have been a better option. Anyway, I took some Q last night. It worked, I fell asleep and don’t really recall much else which suggests that I slept through. I am still exhuasted so decided that I would take one more tonight in the hope that a couple of nights of going to bed at a reasonable time and sleeping straight through will help me get back some control over my sleep pattern.

Taking the subutex was a stupid plan, however I am also glad that I got that out of my system. I can’t believe that I used to be able to take 12mg of it and to feel nothing at all. It’s madness.

I am still craving the co-codamol though and if I don’t get my sleep back into some kind of shape, I really don’t know how long I can keep fighting the urge. I know that ultimately sleep is my time bomb. I don’t need hours and hours, but I need more than a couple of hours a night. Insomnia doesn’t take many days before it starts messing with my head and when that starts to happen other things start to unravel and everything just becomes difficult again. Subutex was a mistake and I won’t be going there again despite how much I enjoyed the high. The rest of the experience was fucking awful and my head is screwed on enough to know that it’s not something I want to repeat.

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