The past 12 months have been full of ups and downs accompanied by huge changes and accomplishments. It’s a year that I feel hugely proud of and one which I want to continue to build on.
A year ago I was stabilising on 4 mg of subutex, taking quetiapine, citalopram, zopiclone and venlafaxine for bpd, depression, anxiety and insomnia. I was also preparing myself to start a new degree at a new university, anxiety was racing around my body.
Today I have completed my first year at uni and am waiting for the official letter to say I can continue my second year. My marriage which has been on the rocks is finally in a good stable place and I am clean and sober. I haven’t been stoned for 9 months and I haven’t cut in 4 months.
Counselling has become an essential part of my life. I attend regularly and I have finally begun to trust her. So much so that i opened up about being raped when I was 17. It’s not something I do talk about because it is mixed with several emotions and I feel ashamed and embarrassed about it.
I had an extra session today because I was struggling to deal with how I was feeling. I have bpd so emotions are something I experience a lot of, but it turns out that I can’t talk about these emotions and find a way to disconnect myself from them. I come home after a session and am filled with a variety of feelings which seem to come in waves. I fight myself to let go and cry in the session, but instead I find that I refuse to let go.
I feel weak and pathetic if i cry, I don’t always know how to describe how I am feeling. No one has ever cared before and in the moment I find it hard to express myself.
The things in the present are better than they have been in years and having worked my arse off to get the essays and exams done over the summer has been a huge challenge. I feel incredibly proud of what I have achieved and how hard I have worked. But now, my mental illness feels like a noose around my neck.
My counsellor is amazingly supportive and I like her. Today she aired her concerns about my going back to uni. Do I feel ready? She is concerned that I am going to be triggered a lot and that it will unsettle my fragile mental stability. Today, I realised that I’m scared of exploring my emotions surrounding past events. Being raped at 17 is not the easiest thing to discuss but out of all the things I need to talk about, it’s probably the easiest. But talking about what happened and my feelings seem to be stupidly hard.
I know that i am emotional most of the time, so why is it so hard to put a voice to them? It’s ridiculous. I can’t cry, I can’t find the words to describe them and I then have to come home and sit with them which doesn’t do me any good. My brain just works overtime running over the event and the feelings etc. Then present me gets irritated and anti social and anxiety starts building up inside. My heart races and breathing is hard. I don’t freak out completely but im close to losing the plot.
The last year has been a good from so many respects, I am moving forward and slowly rebuilding a life for myself with my kids and husband, but this inability to open up properly and learn how to sit with this array of feelings is proving to be the biggest test to date.