Everyday I worry about what I say and do in case I piss someone off in some way or other. I know that many people worry in a similar way, but I also know that ‘normal’ people don’t do what I do – jump to the automatic conclusion that I’m going to be rejected.
It really shouldn’t be such I big deal. It shouldn’t matter how many friends we have or don’t have. Whether people like us or not. Not live in this perpetual fear of fucking up.
I don’t remember a time when I haven’t had this doomsday feeling about relationships, intimate and otherwise. So many people have come and gone from my life and ultimately it feels like I am to blame. It always has done.
In the last few days a friend of mine blocked me completely on all forms of social media because…well that’s what I’m not sure of.
I asked her if we could go for a night out, a get completely wasted night. I wanted to get drunk and do coke. I know it sounds terrible, but at the time I just wanted to let go of everything, forget everything and be happy for 5 minutes. I asked her because she’s one of the few people who knows me and who I feel safe with. She’s also one of the people I know who has done this in the past. So I guess I figured she was the person to do this with.
She turned me down stating that this wasn’t our friendship etc despite us getting drunk many times before. Suddenly I’m the none drinking, none drug taking friend. I’ve never been that person. I felt really angry with her. I felt like I was being totally rejected by someone who I thought got me. I was annoyed also with her hypocrisy as she’s more than happy to tell me about the all night benders she’s been on. It’s like it’s ok for her to do that but not me. She told me to call her when I was awake. But I decided that I needed to focus on work for uni. I left it alone.
It was either Thursday or Friday I messaged her and told her that I was sorry I hadn’t been able to talk. I was honest with her. I told her why I had asked her, why I couldn’t talk and admitted that I had been angry with her. I had needed time to calm down. But I was also respectful of what she had said. I apologised for putting her in that position. I really was. I obviously misread all the things in our friendship and I felt terrible about that.
However, the next day I was blocked. I asked another friend to read what had transpired and whether I had said something wrong. She said I hadn’t and that she couldn’t understand why she had blocked me.
I have lots of bad personality problems but one thing I have always tried to do is remain totally honest with people. I despise lies and the destruction they can cause, a consequence is that I won’t do that. I accept responsibility when I’ve fucked up and apologise for it.
What’s harder to deal with is the knowledge that in not worth a response, that I am so easily washed from someone’s life like I’m nothing. I know that she of course has got feelings and may feel angry too, but I just don’t understand why I deserve to be erased.
I have cried and cut. My emotions are triggered to the hilt. I feel totally worthless, confused, unworthy of friendship. I’m just sitting here waiting for the next person to erase and reject me from their life. This has happened so many times I’m wondering what the hell is so wrong with me that people can just walk away like I’m nothing, nobody.
I have no belief in myself as it is but this just reaffirms these thoughts. Thoughts that im frequently being told are not true. Ha! I think they are talking total bollocks!
I want to just shut myself down and not care about anyone and what they think. Perhaps life would be easier if there were no relationships. No friendships to worry about. No one that you can say the wrong thing to and then walk away never to be seen or heard from again. It seems it doesn’t matter how long you have known a person either, your whole life or a couple of years, at some point someone has enough and that’s it.
Its shit and fucking painful.