Feeling dead inside

*TRIGGER WARNING* suicidal thoughts

The feeling of being disconnected is growing each day at the moment. I feel like I’m dead inside. I don’t want to do anything any more. I don’t want to have to think or feel.

I’ve considered calling my friend and getting some coke so I can feel a moment of happiness. Real happiness. Not fake. That stupid mask that I put on every fucking day.

I no longer know if the way I’m feeling is because of me or the increased meds. I’m so confused about so many things. I’ve had flashbacks of things which happened about 12 years ago. I don’t think about them very often but they are plaguing me at the moment.

I have this deep feeling of shame and guilt for feeling this way when I’ve got my kids and hubby to think about. I don’t know how to make them go away.

I have stopped cutting for the moment because the last time I picked them up I seriously want to slit my wrists. So I’ve stopped eating. I eat something once a day but it’s not much. Sometimes I don’t eat at all….it’s the only thing left that I have any control over.

Life seems pointless, I don’t get why we go through all these things. Have to work so hard to find happiness only for it to be eventually over. I just don’t get it any more.

I’m becoming increasingly reckless with how I drive. I get so impatient with fuckwits who sit in the fast lane doing just under the speed limit….it’s a fucking fast lane….move over fucking cunts.

Yes I’m angry too….about what…could be anything really. Could be about all the fucking shit that’s happened. It could be that I’m just fed up. I don’t know. I just feel so incredibly angry inside. I’m angry at myself too.

This isn’t meant to be a pity party. It’s the last thing I want. I just don’t know anywhere else where I can get all this out.

Even my counsellor didn’t take me seriously today….it was coming to the end of the session and I kept disconnecting. She got up and said to shake it all off….I burst into tears. She asked what had happened. Had she done something….Did I feel like she had dismissed what I was feeling….I told her yes. I can’t just shake these thoughts and feelings off. They feel like they are ingrained inside of me right now…I would love to shake them off but it’s not going to happen.

I’m trying so fucking hard to rebuild my life. Adjust to being clean and to look to the future, but it’s all just such a fucking mess I can’t see anything other than black, doom and gloom. It has engulfed me and I can’t find my way out.

The only way out I can think of means not being here any more. That excites me, but terrifies me too because I don’t know what happens after…I’ve got ideas of what id like to think might happen, but I am scared it could be worse than this.

And then I’m brought back to the fact I’ve got my kids and hubby to think about and how totally selfish it would be if I did anything.

I feel trapped in this dark, black pit.

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6 thoughts on “Feeling dead inside

  1. I wish I had better words to say, but nothing can take the pain away. I wish you peace, and the understanding that you’re not alone… Take care.

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    • Thank you for your comment and sorry I didn’t reply sooner. It’s taken awhile to find my way but im happy to say that I am in a good place today and feeling more alive than I have in many, many years. Your words mean a lot and thank you for taking time to comment.

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  2. I am sorry you feel this way. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, as I was looking for a way out before I disclosed my childhood sexual abuse. I had hit rock bottom and didn’t believe there was an escape. I was engulfed in darkness and had no hope. I am sure your journey is different to mine. Somehow, I was able to escape and I’m still breathing. For me God gave me strength, however that isn’t for everyone I know that. Times are still hard but now I am no longer silent about my abuse I feel that although times are difficult there is hope for me. I hope one day this hope comes to comfort you too.

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    • Thank you for your comment and sorry I haven’t replied sooner. Sharing about the past is incredibly hard, dealing with mental illness and addiction has made everything seem so much harder and more unfair. It’s been a rough few years but I feel today that I have found my way forward. I love that I am doing a course that I never thought I was good enough for and doing ok at it and I have my husband and children. I am in therapy for the abuse and am working very, very slowly on dealing with things. The main thing though is that I am no longer running away and trying to hide from it. I haven’t yet managed to find a voice about the past, but with time I hope I will and it won’t have power over me any more. Thank you for your comment and sharing your experience.

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