Willing myself to keep going

*Trigger warning* suicidal ideation, self harm

Round and round in fucking circles I seem to go and I am so fucking tired of it all. I am tired of the fucking pointlessness there seems to be to my existence. I feel completely disconnected from myself, from the people around me, from my family and home.

I am no longer sure who I am or what I am doing. I didn’t notice that we had no milk in the fridge all week. I didn’t notice that I scratched the car. I want to sleep all the fucking time, but then I can’t sleep. My head is so frigging full of so many stupid and idiotic thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories.

I wish I could bang my head against the wall and make it just SHUT UP!

I feel as though I am sleep walking through my life, through each day. My eyes feel heavy and I am looking through a fog that never seems to go away. My heart pounds almost constantly and my stomach feels like it has a huge knot just sitting there, all day every day.

I want to feel something real and to be able to hold onto that. Having sex with my husband was meant to be that real thing, but instead it just fucked with my head even more. The flashbacks even more vivid and real than ever. I just wanted to be close to the one person I know loves me truly….at least I hope he does.

I can’t imagine that I am very easy to live with at the moment. I know that my moods can be unpredictable and I can sense that I am in a world of my own a lot of the time. My emotions are all over the place it is confusing for me. I can get so angry for no reason, or feel like the world is going to end the next. If I can’t keep up and explain it then I can’t imagine anyone else can.

On Friday, I saw a nurse practitioner at the doctor’s surgery. I asked for help. I am scared. I have a lot to live for, especially my kids, but I am having ever increasing thoughts about suicide. I am cutting a lot, sometimes too much. The idea of slitting my wrists is at times more appealing than I would like to admit. But I told the nurse that I have started to have these thoughts more frequently. She asked if I would like to go back on quetiapine. NOPE I BLOODY DO NOT!!! I put weight on with them and I hated myself. So, she upped the venlafaxine back up to 225mg…my psychiatrist wanted me to get down to 150mg, which I did over Christmas along with everything else.

So back I have gone. I don’t know if it’s too early to feel the effects, but I feel more ‘out of it’ than I have in a long time. My head feels like I am stoned, my eyes struggle to focus properly and my mood has simply plummeted so far south I don’t think there is really too much further before I need to be worried about what I am going to do to myself.

I feel so alone and isolated at the moment. Uni is great…some of the time. I find it hard to focus and concentrate. But mostly its a good experience when I can get my head into the right gear. I love the people in my counselling skills group. They are cool and accept me as I am, which for me is a rarity and for which I am completely grateful for. BUT, I still feel like something is wrong, missing, distant….

I should be happy. I am clean, I don’t really drink too much….My kids are healthy and happy. BUT I AM NOT….

I feel as though the bpd is taking over again, the depression setting in for the long haul and the anxiety has made itself known. I just don’t know how I am going to get through this. I miss the co-codamol more right now than I can even begin to explain. I know that if I go down that path I will fuck up everything and chances are that my marriage won’t survive. It’s better than it’s been in a long, long time, but I know it is only one slip and I could lose everything that I am living for, everything that I am holding on to.

Genuinely, I feel like a fucking mess and I really don’t know what to do. I just want to be in control, to feel like I am really living, to feel connected to the world around me, to not zone in and out, to remember the things happening around me, to really see again….PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!

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2 thoughts on “Willing myself to keep going

  1. So much of what your saying I can relate to. I don’t have a husband or kids, I would never let anyone get that close before I destroyed everything. I craved for that closeness that I could never find. I was in despair, another world, not one of reality but of desperation and darkness. I thought there was no return. I thought there would never be an end. One day my life had spiralled to the point where there was simply no going back. I thought the only answer was sucide which is what I was planning. I was broken. I had decided to give up, I was exhausted, I didn’t want to fight the battle anymore. I don’t know why, but in my desperation I started praying. I didn’t even believe in God but I hated everything about my existence. I was praying repeatedly for this to end, meaning my life. Instead, I found that even though I was still in despair a feeling of peace began to embrace me. The closeness I had been looking for was there but I couldn’t explain where it had come from. It wasn’t from another person, it wasn’t from a bottle or chemicals I was so used to pumping into my body, it was from an unexplained presence. A feeling of peace and then hope, which helped me to find my voice and disclose my CSA. Life has been up and down since but it is getting better. It is hard, and most days are difficult. I am fighting all the time to break negative thought patterns, to wade my way through triggers without it effecting day to day life. To try and not be a complete bitch to everyone around me, it’s not easy. But it won’t last forever. There is hope. Have faith. You have got this far, that makes you a survivor. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings xxx

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  2. Oh my word, I’m so sorry you’re stuck in the dog and autopilot part of it all. It’s worse than anything. I’m surprised the Np didn’t talk to you psych doc about things and suggest the hospital. I’m sure that’s not a road you wanna go down. Know you aren’t alone dear lady ❤

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