Breaking the silence

*Trigger warning* child sexual abuse

It’s hard to write anything about this. I feel so many confused, mixed emotions about everything. It’s so much easier to be wasted on drugs and booze and talk about the fucking shit in my head. I wish that I could get off my face now so that I can get out what I need to.

Thursday I had my weekly counselling session and one of the hardest I’ve ever had. I have a few blanks of the session, but I remember what we talked about.

Since sharing the names of the people who hurt me as a child I’ve had the same dream. It has left me feeling confused about one of those people. A girl who was the daughter of someone my parents knew. I met her for the first time when I was 8.

It was the summer and we had gone to Scotland for a two week holiday. This girl and I hit it off immediately. I really enjoyed her company and despite the age gap we had stuff in common. It was nice to have a friend whilst we were away.

By this time I had already been sexually abused and I didn’t really think too much of it when things happened between me and this girl.

I keep having a dream about her. I don’t feel anger or hate towards her. I feel totally confused by this emotional attachment I had to her.

My counsellor suggested that I was starved of an emotional attachment at home and so latched onto this. I was desperate to feel wanted and loved. I don’t know if this is the case. I suspect that she’s right, but it doesn’t take away my confusion or my self-loathing.

I was a stupid, naiive child. I didn’t understand any of what was happening. The way my body felt or the feelings that I developed. I didn’t know about sex or what it any of it meant. But she did.

What I did know, from my earlier experience, was that older people liked to touch me. It was a big girls game and it was a secret. I didn’t like it most of the time, but although my head didn’t and I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable, my body sometimes did. It was confusing.

But with this girl, I just wanted her to like me. So I did whatever. I felt weird a few times and sometimes embarrassed, but she didn’t ‘hurt’ me or scare me in the same way as the other did.

I feel totally fucked up and confused about the whole thing. I hate having these flashbacks and the constant dreams that are like it happened yesterday.

Talking about it with my counsellor was embarrassing, I couldn’t look at her. I’m mortified with myself that I let any of this happen. I feel so angry with myself.

I shared some other things too, but I don’t remember what they were, I think I blanked out…it was emotionally and mentally a really hard session. Talking about stuff that’s intimate and that you don’t want to talk about. It takes it out of you.

Despite this small amount I shared, it’s really not a lot. It’s not the worst part and it’s not the details. It was like taking a small layer off an onion. It’s important but it’s not harder stuff.

My heart is pounding again just writing this. I’m still emotional and confused about it but it’s triggered other memories. My head feels so full and busy at the moment that I can’t think straight.

I’m just worn out. I wish I could make this all go away.

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