*TRIGGER WARNING* Self harm

WARNING: this post contains graphic details about cutting.

Emotionally I feel as though I’m on a roller-coaster ride and I can’t get off. Literally they change constantly and it doesn’t seem to take very much.

At uni I have to plaster on a mask involving a smile and generally being ok. It’s exhausting. I find a zone in and out of lectures and have, on more than one occasion, had to hold back the tears. It’s really hard.

Then when I’m at home I try to keep myself as ‘calm’ as possible. I distract myself and try to be as involved with my kids and husband as I can. It’s a relief when everyone is in bed because I can finally let the mask come off.

When it does I feel so empty, lonely, emotional, very tearful, full of self loathing and just so very tired.

Being clean makes all the above all that much harder. I can’t numb the feelings and I get angry and frustrated with myself. I constantly ask myself ‘why?’ Life really isn’t as bad as all that. Things could be so much worse. I tell myself to snap out of it. To find the good in my life and be grateful for it. And I am. I’m grateful for so many things, but this inner turmoil just won’t let up.

Inside I feel like pulling myself apart. I want to hit and punch my head, I want to pull my hair out and just make it all stop.

Instead my fingers and hands tingle, they are restless and achey. The need to hurt myself is overwhelming. I crave the pills to make these thoughts go away, but I know I can’t. So I reach for my blades.

I prepare myself with tissue and make sure that no one is going to interrupt me. I uncover the blade and find a part of my arm to cut. I feel the blade on my skin and push down and pull across my skin. I can feel a sting and my skin being torn apart. A few seconds later the blood comes to the surface and oozes out. I watch, feeling the stinging and the wetness. It’s like my skin is now crying.

The pain makes me stop thinking for a moment. The blood takes my focus as I watch it dripping down. I feel alive in that moment. And then suddenly just like that, the relief is gone. Instead it is replaced by guilt and shame.

I cut my lower arms. I always have. I don’t know why. It’s not to show off, I wear long sleeves to cover them up. I can’t bear to reveal my legs and cut them…I feel vulnerable and just can’t get horrible thoughts put of my head. I have tried in the past but I wound up cutting my arms far worse than normal. It was a bad move so I don’t do it. My arms seem to be the only place I can do it and get that relief. So that’s why I do it there. If people see them I feel embarrassed and find a way to cover up.

I managed to go from may last year until around mid January without cutting. It wasn’t easy and but I didn’t feel as intense as I do now. Since the beginning of the year I have felt so much more than I have in years. It’s unbearable sometimes.

I know it’s not healthy. But everything else is gone. I don’t know what else to do. I’m so tired of crying. I seldom do these days. My eyes do well up but I talk myself down from crying. I feel so vulnerable and stupid when I do cry. I don’t want to feel like that. So I stop myself from letting the tears from falling.

The bpd symptoms are all over the place from one day to the next. The only thing I don’t feel is suicidal. This is a huge step forward from last year. I still feel the urge to hide away and disappear or run away, but I don’t have that horribly intense feeling that I shouldn’t be here. I still hate myself and have little belief in my abilities. I try to tell myself good things. I try to believe the nice things that people say. But it’s a battle and more often than not I don’t believe.

I am still adjusting to this clean way of living, it’s really far more difficult than I could have predicted. Cutting seems to be the only thing, the only way I can control anything. I can’t give it up right now. I think I would lose the plot entirely. I feel as though I am on a fine line right now when it comes to my mental health. I’m teetering dangerously close to the edge.

Advertisements

share your thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s