The past few days have been kind of hard. My mood has slumped and I am craving some kind of relief. Last night I drank, not much, but I mixed it with some Kalms so that my head would shut up.
I know that I have come along way since last year, but the pain I feel deep inside is still there. Difference is that now I feel it more strongly and vividly than before. I want to bury myself under the covers and hide away, but I can’t escape any of it.
Sharing the names of the people who hurt me as a child was hard, but the way that I have felt ever since scares me. Last night I was plotting where I could get my hands on some co-codamol. Whether I could sneak some alcohol to uni on Monday or whether I would give in and buy those dangerous pills.
I feel empty and lonely. I know that I need to talk about things with people, but its so hard to say exactly what it is that I am feeling. I don’t know how to talk about it, where to start. I feel totally embarrassed and ashamed with a massive helping of guilt on the side.
I decided to read some of my old posts on here…I was tipsy and I wondered what I had written about things. I have read them before, but I don’t think I really acknowledged all that I had shared. How personal it was and the intimate details. I was really shocked…I couldn’t write like that now. I don’t think I would be able to type half those words let alone write about myself in that way.
BUT, I wish I could.
It might help if I was able to get out all the things racing around in my head. The memories, the feelings, emotions. I feel so confused about so much. I can’t make sense of some of the things I am seeing. My head hasn’t been this loud in a long time. Not like this.
I am struggling. I am trying hard to make my life better, to be a good mum and wife, to make up for all the shit I have put my family through. I am terrified of letting them down. I don’t think there is any other way to say it other than I am not feeling too good at the moment.
People have this huge belief in me, they are proud of how far I have come, the fact that I am clean for the first time in 5 years. I am proud of that too. But I am not equipped to deal with all the shit that’s racing around inside my head.
One minute I am focusing on uni and my work, the next I am feeling like an idiot, not worth bothering with, empty and useless. I want to pop a pill and hide away from the world. I am craving a drink tonight as I write this. I’ve got nothing I can take. I don’t like how I feel.
Emotional, I want to cry, to howl. I hate myself, I feel dirty and disgusting. It hurts inside so badly and I feel so alone with all these feelings. They are overwhelming and just seem to consume me more and more as each day is passing.
I don’t want to be failing at getting better, but that urge is so strong. One pill won’t hurt…..will it?