As the rain falls

I have held back the tears since Monday and done my best to hold things together around hubby and kids.

Today was counselling. I hadn’t intended on crying. In fact we hadn’t really hit on anything too bad until we talked about the flashbacks I’ve been having.

We were looking at a sheet of paper with suggestions on how to manage them. There was one on there about boundaries and remembering I’m in a an adult body. But this just undid me. The tears just fell. Copious amounts.

I’ve cried a couple of other times but this is the first time I’ve cried in front of her specifically about the past. I’ve been triggered a lot this week and it seems that I got triggered by what I read.

I wish that these memories and feelings didn’t hurt so much. I wish that I was able to manage them, that I didn’t feel so overwhelmed.

Last night I drank for the first time in weeks because I needed to calm down. It helped, but I know deep inside that I’m not going to find peace at the bottom of a bottle. Fighting the urge to take pills is getting harder. I haven’t got any at the moment. I gave the last lot to my husband when I started on the subutex programme almost a year ago.

I also have my blades, so far I’ve managed to leave them in their hiding place but how long I can fight the urge.

I really believed and hoped that getting clean would make things easier and that I could move forward.

Instead I am a jittery, anxious mess. My counsellor told me that this is the time when I have to sit with these feelings and try to find a way to deal with them.

Yesterday I was able to phone a good friend when I was feeling in a really dangerous place. But I know that there are going to be times when there isn’t anyone to talk to and I have to deal with things by myself.

There are just so many feelings and thoughts that I don’t always know what it is I’m feeling or why. I know I shut myself down in order to avoid dealing with things.

Today whilst I cried it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my body it was pounding so hard. It’s pounding again hard and fast and my hands are trembling.

I really hate feeling this way. 

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