When the black clouds roll back in

For almost a year writing has been one of the few things I’ve wanted to do. But the last day the urge to write has just got so intense that I can’t ignore it.

This time last year I was heavily addicted to co-codamol. I was taking mini overdoses everyday, sometimes they were big. With the amount and sometimes the way in which I took it i should be dead.

I’m incredibly proud inside of what I achieved and I know it is a good thing that I’m sober. But this dark torment buzzing around my head isn’t something which I had anticipated.

I figured that by getting clean my head would be clearer and I would be able to move on. Instead today my emotions and mood have been more like a roller-coaster.

I couldn’t face uni today and I know that I’ve got to go in tomorrow. I feel anxious and really don’t want to do anything at all.

I feel angry. Really fucking pissed off. I’m angry at myself for a multitude of things which make little sense. Like the fact I’m already massively behind at uni with assignments. Stupid thoughts racing around my head at night when I need to sleep. I’m angry that I worked so fucking hard to get clean and all I want is to get off my face again. I’m even more pissed off that as much as I hate to admit it I’m feeling depressed. I feel like an emotional train wreck and it’s not cool at all. Why work so hard at trying to feel better, and back in control to then feel as shit as this.

I’m doing my best to hide my down mood from the family but im not sure I’m doing a very good job.

I’m second guessing everything I think and feel about things, like perhaps I shouldn’t be studying. But then if I sit at home all day theres nothing else to do other than mundane shitty chores which I can’t be arsed with any more.

A big part of me just wants to hide away, numbing my feelings in anyway possible. Then there’s this other part who wants to make my life matter. To do something more.

I just wish I could make sense of things and manage them more easily. I know my coping strategies are appalling. But now I don’t have any and I don’t know what to do.

My fingers have been itching all day, an all too familiar feeling. I haven’t hurt myself so far, but I just spent a small amount of money buying some bracelet type things which I can use to hide cuts. The fact it’s getting colder also means I can hide them more easily too.

I have counselling tomorrow, I know I need to be really open and honest with her. I am also seeing my drug case worker on Friday. I know that i need to reach out and use all the support I can get, but I’m really not sure that talking about this stuff is going to make my head feel any better or stop the thoughts and urges.

It never has before. Is now really any different than it was before?

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