Mixed feelings

I should feel really proud of myself for getting clean, for fighting my way out of addiction from codeine and zopiclone. Getting out of the vicious circle that I was caught up in….I should feel on cloud 9.

But I don’t. I feel totally lost inside.

My head feels full of crappy thoughts which I can’t seem to get rid of. My motivation seems like it’s been drained out of my body and all I feel instead is this ever increasing sense of doom.

Since being sober the symptoms of bpd, depression and my anxiety seem to be far more intense and at times more obvious….at least that’s how it feels to me.

The fake smile and mask seem to be permanently in place and I just want to scream!

Today has just felt like too much at times and all I’ve wanted is codeine to dull this feeling inside. I feel so low and I am not entirely sure what the hell is going on.

I wondered if maybe it’s the time of year. But if it is, what causes this deep feeling of gloom? Is it depression again?

I’ve been trying to reduce venlafaxine because it feels like it’s numbing my ability to focus, to be me. Its like something is being blocked and I can’t be myself.

I went back to uni on Monday. Something which I was terrified of because I missed the final 3 weeks of the term for a couple of reasons, mainly because I was going cold turkey. I feel somewhat disconnected from the course. But being back on Monday was good in many ways. Having like minded people around me was like a breath of fresh air. The content however was far too close to home and kind of unsettled me. Then in the afternoon I disclosed in brief to my tutor the shitty past…I’m not sure why I did that either. I don’t normally blurt out my life story to people, especially when I’m sober and face to face with someone.

For the past few weeks sleeping has been problematic. I can’t seem to switch off…I’ve got so much I need and want to do but instead I replay things in my head. I replay my past over and over again. It’s like a dvd stuck on repeat and I can’t turn it off.

I’m terrified about getting sick again, like when I was hallucinating…I recall seeing things and hearing things that weren’t really there.

I have had a few of those recently happen to me. I had gone to bed and the downstairs light seemed to be on even though I had turned it off and I could hear movement coming from the living room. I listened and tried to decide if it was real or in my head. The light went out and I freaked inside. So I got up and went to check. There was no one downstairs, the kids were all asleep  and everything was switched off. I know I saw the light on and then switch off and there were definitely noises. But there was nothing. There have been other little things too which I’ve tried to explain away and ignore. I’m not stoned, I’m not drinking and I’m not on zopies any more so these things must be my fucked up head.

Then there’s this dvd thing that plays in my mind night after night, day after day. I’m really struggling to deal with what happened to me and the thing that used to help calm me and shut my head up I am fighting not to take.

It’s stupid little things like things I said or did. The way I reacted to things, the way I behaved, just stupid things that I could have perhaps been so different.

I’m trying so fucking hard to get my life back on track and my head feels like its sabotaging everything.

I’m confused by everything I’m thinking and feeling.

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