Pushing forward

Two weeks on either Sun/mon I took my last subutex tablet. It was time to start tapering or go cold turkey. I plunged head first into option two.

Subutex stays in the system for 2/3 days depending on your biological make-up. For the past couple of months I’ve managed to go two full days and then needed it again towards half way through day 3.

How did I discover that? I simply forgot to take it. My case worker at the drug rehab told me that this was a good sign and these two options were discussed.

I was meant to do this 3 weeks ago but I was violently unwell, nothing to do with withdrawing, but I couldn’t cope so I took what few tablets I had left over the course of the week. I didn’t have two or three before withdrawal kicked in though. It happened almost immediately.

I can’t begin to describe the pain in muscles and bones. It felt like my nerves were on fire. I either shivered or sweat like mad. I couldn’t sleep either.

Second week in and all the pain I had as a result of ibs hit me like a truck. My insides literally feel as though I’ve been punched a million times, the excruciating nerve pain is overwhelming at times I genuinely want to rip myself apart.

However I’ve also had to fight the psychological battle too. I’ve managed ok so far but some days are far harder than others.

Despite these horrible withdrawal symptoms and their lack of fading, I’ve done it! For the first time in five years there are no opiates present in my system.

Less than 9 months after starting treatment I am in the final stretches of the hold opiates had over me and the way I used them to control my emotions.

Not only am I clean from opiates but I am also off zopiclone too. Something which I didn’t know how to do, if i would ever be able to stop and had no immediate plan to do so. It happened by accident.

It’s a strange feeling to know that other than venlafaxine I have no other drugs in my system. It’s the first time in years that I’ve been so clean!!

Mentally it’s been hard going at times. I’ve had to deal with my strange emotions, feelings which I have spent years trying to numb are heightened and there’s no running away from them. I’ve not even had a drink.

There has been other things that have happened during recent weeks, big things. It’s been emotional and hard going at times but I am holding on. I’m determined to keep fighting and not give in no matter what.

For the first time in what seems like forever I feel a little proud of myself. It’s a good feeling to have no matter what else happens!

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