Loneliness

It has been one hell of a year with a whole heap of ups and downs. To be honest I didn’t really expect to be here now. My life was a complete mess only 8 months ago. I didn’t have any control over anything and was spiralling further and further into an abyss which seemed to be bottomless. I just kept falling.

Then I started the drug programme. It was scary and overwhelming. I couldn’t cope with the outside world so I shut myself down and away from everyone. I put my barriers back up and avoided having to engage with others.

It was in so many respects the right thing to do, but now I’m finding that I miss and need those friendships. Having people to laugh and joke with, exchange stories about how we’ve managed to get through the day. Just the little things which can be taken for granted all too easily.

I can’t lie, I’m feeling depressed at the moment. I have insomnia but could sleep forever once I do sleep. I’m hearing voices again which is really unnerving. I know I’m more sane than I’ve been in a long, long time but these little things make me feel like a complete freak and I feel more alone than ever.

I am avoiding going to my GP because I don’t want to be given more medication or referred back to the psychiatrist. It was an amazing day when I was discharged and I felt a huge sense of achievement. Now I feel as though things are just going backwards and it’s scaring me a lot.

Alongside the cravings for co-codamol I am finding going to counselling really hard, seeing my case worker on the drug programme is too much too.

I just feel so alone again. I feel isolated and trapped by my head and by my social situation. I desperately miss those friends I made and who just helped me get through things by being there. But now, it’s like friendship is based upon my need for support and I want to scream.

Yeah, life is hard right now for whatever reason, but I don’t need or want anyone to solve it. Friendship isn’t about that for me. Friendship is about having meaningless conversations which lead to laughter and happiness which can distract away from the issues that might be taking up all of your energy. Friendship is about having a friendly face or voice that knows all about you but is there no matter what. Who knows ur having a hard time but doesn’t try to fix it or make it better. Only I can do that. Having a friend who is just there with a brief text saying they are sending a hug and that they still love you sometimes means more than anything else in the world.

I don’t need advice or solutions to my life. If I want that I can go to my doctor, psychiatrist, counsellor or case worker. That’s what they are there for. Friendship is infinitely more….at least that’s how I think it should be.

I know I closed myself down. I couldn’t cope with the withdrawal of different meds, the psychological battle over co-codamol and the external dramas outside of that. I had to make a hard decision and make sure that I got through these massive changes in one piece. Those closest to me know what was going on. But now, I’m alone again and seemingly friendless.

I feel like getting myself clean (ish) has messed up one of the few areas of my life which actually made me feel accepted and wanted. I feel that reaching out isn’t enough and the rejection I’m feeling right now cuts so deep it really hurts. But I should be used to this right?!

All my life I’ve made friends only for people to walk away, citing that they have outgrown me, have moved on, can’t be there as a friend, blah, blah, blah.

My best friend of 25 years threw that one at me, but I realised through other friends that it was all bullshit. She was still talking on Facebook and having a life, socialised near where I lived and could have made time to arrange to meet with me. I caught her out on it and despite being there for her anytime she couldn’t make the effort to message me or reply to me when she could with others. I outgrew being second best and having someone who couldn’t be bothered with me.

No one is ever too busy to make the effort. It’s a load of bollocks. And I no longer accept it as a reason for turning away from a friend.

Although I stopped being sociable I never once stopped being there for my friends. I wonder frequently what’s wrong with me that I can’t keep friends. Am I that bad as an individual that people decide that they can’t deal with me, dont want to make the effort any more?

Yes, I have a mental illness, yes I sometimes can’t deal with things and yes I have highs and lows, but I’m so much more than that too. I’ve got interests, things I feel passionately about etc. I’m a whole person with many thoughts and feelings. I am capable of having a friendship which is two way. But I get pushed away time and time again. I’m not sure that I can cope much more with trying to be friends if it’s only ever going to be one way. I want friends, I want to have a laugh and escape the loneliness I feel. I feel as though I’m destined to be a loner. That the types of friendships I want are meant for only those who are outgoing and confident.

So I hope that I get the funding to pay my fees so that i can continue at uni and I can emerge myself in work. It might take away some of the loneliness I feel, the rejection and abandonment that I’ve known all my life.

I care so much about my friends, perhaps I care too much???

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