Attempting to ignore the cravings

Back at the beginning of this year I was taking co-codamol everyday, several times a day. I was totally absorbed with needing to take it everything was spiralling out of control. Thoughts were often about self harming or suicide and depression was consuming my entire existence.

By the end of February beginning of March I had sought help from a drug rehabilitation programme. I had the support of my counsellor and husband which helped me get through the initial changes and the following 3 months. 12mg of subutex daily stopped the physical withdrawal and cravings leaving me with the psychological side to deal with.

It was hard going but I gradually settled down and reached a point where reducing was the next step. From may to August I reduced 2 mg at a time until I reached 4mg daily.

I no longer get a buzz when I take subutex and the physical cravings are still being held away. However, 3 months on I am still on 4mg. Starting uni has been massively stressful and making big changes during this period of time seemed like something I just didn’t need to do right now and stability was the main aim instead.

But over the past few weeks I’ve just been craving co-codamol more than ever. Constant migraines and insomnia have made me feel incredibly tired and somewhat depressed. The uni is fabulous but my fees still haven’t been paid and I am struggling to focus on doing the work. I really want to do well, I know I could. But I just can’t concentrate nor find the motivation to work. I have one more week to wait until I hear finally whether my fees will be paid for the duration of the degree.

I’ve met some truly amazing and inspiring people and the support has been incredible. But my head feels like it’s gone back into that dark black space and the light that I was focusing on is dimming again.

This is one of the things I’ve feared the most. Making giant strides forward only to then start to fail again.

A couple of weeks ago my counsellor said that she thought that perhaps I had gone back too soon and that I should have perhaps waited and thar maybe I should suspend my studies for another year. Admittedly the thought has crossed me mind several times. But im not a quitter and I just can’t do that. I love the people I’m with and feel really privileged to be studying at the uni I go to. I love it and most days I do like getting out of the house.

But that said I sometimes find that having to go out and face the world is too much and staying in and hiding away is the only thing I want to do.

The counselling side of the degree is really full on and next week we have to talk about our pasts….our childhoods more specifically. I’m dreading it. I don’t know how to deal with this step and what I should say. I’m in a mixed state about what happened. I have had growing feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment. I hate myself over and over again for being weak and pathetic. For being needy and searching for a place to belong when I was younger. If I had been more accepting of what and who I was perhaps none of this shit would have ever happened.

I feel like things are out of my control right now. If I don’t get the funding then I will have to leave and that scares me so badly. I don’t know what I’ll do with my life. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with it. I’ve started to crave cocodamol to make all this feelings and thoughts go away.

I’ve had urges to self harm too but the memories of how it hurt my family are raw and for now stop me when I get close.

Life isn’t bad, I’ve got my kids and husband which makes me feel very lucky. But I feel like a failure too. The breakdown fucked things up and it haunts everything I try and do.

I used to believe that bpd was a ridiculous illness. One which was even made up to categorise people like me. But as time has gone by and my health has improved I see so much more clearly how this illness impacts on the way I am every hour of every day. Whether or not people believe in bpd no longer matters to me. What does matter are the symptoms I have, my thought processes, my reactions, feelings and emotions. Everyday things sometimes feel too difficult to manage and cope with. Sometimes life just feels too hard. That’s when I want to pop some pills.

Other than the hurt and pain I caused my family, subutex stops me from taking anything. If I was to pop anything then it would make me sick. Coming off subutex crosses my mind regularly. But I don’t do it because if I did then nothing would stand in the way of taking cocodamol.  Just buying some over the counter. I can’t get it on prescription any more as I’m ‘blacklisted’. I feel angry about things and how they have turned out.

I wish I could just make all this go away and for once things could just be simple. That things could be happy and carefree, that I could be happy and carefree.

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