I am sure that many of you will be able to relate to some part of what I’m about to disclose. It’s hard to write this because I’m sober, in treatment for 6 months now and am doing generally far better. This is probably the first post of this type I’ve written in this state so I’m really nervous and apologise in advance if i waffle or make no sense.
Relationships are seriously tricky things to work on regardless of their state. We have to be considerate and conscious of the other person and their feelings. Sometimes we have to compromise more than we would like but we manage to find a way which makes our relationships work for us.
Over the past 4 years or so, my hubny and I have been on a massive roller-coaster ride. It’s not a ride that either of us would have chosen to go on and if we could go back and make it so it didn’t have to happen I would. However, wishful thinking isn’t going to change a thing and so therefore we are stuck with this current reality.
I imagine that many of you, in one way or another, have experienced times when you have been so mentally unwell, that your boyfriend, husband, lover, girlfriend….has suffered along with you. Trying the best they can to support you, to encourage, remind you that there are things worth loving for. Your sex life may not have changed much but it may have some issues there too which don’t seem to be too big of a problem for now.
Well, for the past few years my sexual relationship with my husband has taken a number of different paths. We have been very close and loving and had fun which has helped to create the feeling that we were ok. Then a year ago I had to deal with the strong attraction I was having towards women. I told my husband that I was more attracted to women and not to men but that I did still love him and want him in that way.
I obviously already had a good idea that I was bisexual but actually for me it was also trying to find out about who I was and how I really felt about sex with either a man or a woman. I was very confused as I have very strong sexual feelings for two women and then strong feelings for my husband. The problem was that I knew that whilst the fantasy of being with the girls was amazing, I wouldn’t go there because I’m married and I would never cheat on my husband. I also am very attracted to my husband but something has been changing and it seemed to become harder to gage any kind of love or intimacy.
About two/three months ago he told me that he wasn’t in love with me. He does love me and he’s not walking out. It’s just he’s not attracted to me, to the very fucked up version of me. He’s felt like this for a year and didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me. But it came out and now everything seems so much harder with him than ever before.
He doesn’t want any sexual contact until he feels the same as I do. This is really hard because I’m head over heels in love with him. I love him with everything I have and not being touch him or kiss him is so hard. I can hold hands and peck on the lips but that’s it.
I’m doing so much better. I’m living my life again and I know he got hurt in all that’s been going on. He says he doesn’t want to have meaningless sex. Well I don’t either. But it seems that the last time we did have sex it was meaningless. And that just makes me feel used, cheap and dirty.
I spoke to my counsellor last week about it and she told me the same can happen with partners dealing with things like cancer etc. I understand this is not a unique situation and I want to be fair to him. He has stuck by me and done all he can to keep on going. To keep our family ticking over whilst I was in no shape to do anything other than stare at the world.
Now I feel sexually frustrated and scared about where this is going to lead. Being in love, wanting to be sexually intimate with another person is a normal human feeling and need. But im scared that whilst he’s not got all those warm fuzzy feelings about me, there is a greater chance that he could find them elsewhere. It terrifies me.
Last weekend I had to go out with him and some of his friends from work. Specifically to meet this 24yr old woman who works with my hubby and who he has ‘clicked’ with. He doesn’t make friends quickly and the fact he has with this girl has me feeling insecure, jealous and just all the usual stupid things in this situation. She’s tall, skinny, fairly attractive and doesn’t have my huge suitcases trailing behind her. I felt terrified of meeting her because I don’t like the idea that my husbands new friend is a girl 7 yrs older than my daughter. She and I talked and turns out she has depression and anxiety. She has self harmed and she knows now about me. She told me that hubby loves me and that she’s not going to do anything to come between us. I told her I trust hubby but generally find it harder to trust women. She agreed and said she would feel like I do if it was a guy she liked. I didn’t want to like her, but I did. She was fun, slightly immature but I could see why she clicked with my husband. I don’t think anything will ever happen there, I hope my trust is not misplaced. However I am scared that the state my marriage is in….well…..anything could happen.
I’m not a saint, but I do know that when I’m in love, I don’t have eyes for anyone else. I only have eyes for my husband and the fact he doesn’t feel the same is eating away at me. I’m lonely and frustrated and yes God damn it I’m fucking sexually frustrated too. I’ve got a whole cupboard full of things which a no go areas and I just really fucking miss my husband. I miss him wanting me. I don’t know how to deal with this. In previous relationships it has normally been a sign to end things once and for all. I’ve walked away or he has…Sometimes we have both just walked away. But this is different. I didn’t mean for all this things to happen. I couldn’t tell him half the stuff that was going on in my head because in all honesty it made no sense to me sometimes. I used the fact I liked men and women to sort of push him away a little more because of my feelings surrounding my experiences from my childhood through to my twenties. I didnt want….no, I didn’t know how to tell him how I was feeling and I didn’t want him to think it was him. It has never been about him. He’s the one man who has loved me and made love to me in such a way that I know that he does genuinely love me.
But now I’m getting better and stronger. I still get panic attacks and nightmares. I’m still fighting a number of demons and I’ve just started up my counselling again having had to take time out whilst I was trying to stabilise on subutex. I told my counsellor, T, about the situation at home. Hubby has just asked for time to adjust which given I’ve been ill for probably 4 years is a reasonable request. T said the same thing. Just give him some time.
I feel so selfish that I’m struggling with this. I can’t decide if this is because I’m feeling like I’m being punished for getting sick, whether this is just going to go on and on until I eventually cracking and then we split up. I don’t know if he’s partly fearful that I’m going to flip on him again and become unwell again in extreme ways. That part scares me too. I really hope that I won’t get sick like that again but I know it’s possible and that as such having a plan in place is a good way to ensure I don’t fall so far down the rabbit hole.
I miss my husband. I feel ive got to be on my best behaviour. I can’t touch him sexual. Even to stroke his chest. I feel bereft. I miss him so much. The closeness that we had is disintegrating around us all the time. I know sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship but I do think it’s got am important role within the relationship as a hole. It makes that relationship special and intimate and brings people closer together. Without it, we are just housemates. There’s a time frame of a year… Now 10 months. If things are still as they are now….I’m not sure I can handle it any more. I don’t want to be with anyone else. But im not dead. I have needs and with all the fucked up shit that’s gone on in my life there’s only one person I trust to be sexually involved with. But if he can’t and doesn’t get those feelings back for me, I’m not sure what the future will hold for us. I’m 36, I’ve been celibate since may/June since his revelations. I don’t want to be celibate… I grew up with sex in my face. It’s a weird and scary place to be. I do understand where he’s coming from too. He fell out of love with me because of my moods, the drugs and the fact I was a zombie. He has said he feels like the girl he fell in love with isn’t here. He wants her back. I know what he means. I know I’ve not been that girl but I feel I’m getting her back day by day….I just desperately want him back. I’m not great with patience and I’m really not good with celibacy and how frustrated it leaves me feeling.
When we first got together I remember when he touched me for the first time and kissed me, I literally felt this electricity run through my body. He took my breath away. It wasn’t even much bit just his hand on my arm and his lips on mine….the feelings it created were so different to anything I had ever experienced before. Even now, 11.5 yrs later he has the same effect on me. How do I give him time without getting so frustrated that I argue with him about it for the millionth time. Like I said before. Sex is not the b all and end all of a relationship but I do think that it’s what keeps a relationship going. It is what keeps that special connection flowing and I really miss that intimacy with my husband. Im trying so hard not to be selfish and to remember that despite all that’s been said and all that he’s been though, this isn’t really much….but what if he never finds those feelings? What happenes if the last time we made love, that was the last time ever??! I don’t want that to have been the last time. There’s so much to do and say. Things to experience. I want to do all these things with this wonderful loving man who does love me devotedly because I am his family. Will the sex come back….how can I help him to see that I’m here, that whilst I don’t have 100% mental health, I am no longer down around 10-20%. I feel that I’m back at about 50-60% wellness which given where I was less than 6 months ago, this is a huge step forward.
It also makes me feel lonely and incredibly self conscious about how others see me. It makes me nervous about how I am behaving and I wish with all my heart that my gorgeous, loving husband can find his girl in me as I am now.
If anyone who has read this post and has some experience in this either from my point of view or from my husbands please feel free to contact me and share how you worked though things. It would be really helpful to hear how others have dealt with similar issues. It doesn’t have to have been mental illness, anything can cause this. But I feel very alone and some what lost on how I should deal with this.
Either send a reply at the bottom of this post or if you would like it to remain private then please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Many thanks for reading and for any help.
Thank you to my dear friends for helping me and listening to me. My bpd makes me fearful of my reactions and how I handle things. You guys have helped over the last week. Especially regarding skinny 24yr old! Wise words and reassurance was very much need alongside the numerous alcoholic beverages I consumed! I behaved though I didn’t do what I had planned on doing so I am proud of myself for that! You know who you are…..thank u. You never fail to be a good friend, honest and reliable. I love you for that. Xxx
THANKS FOR READING, UNTIL NEXT TIME.
Please stay safe, look after yourselves and remember you are not alone. If you haven’t got someone you feel you can talk to them my door is always open. Contact me on here or follow me on Twitter @lib_FallenAngel. Any time. I always message back so please don’t feel alone.
Love and thanks to you all