Another unfinished post saved as a draft. Written at a time when I was really unwell and unable to complete writing my thoughts down….I’ve decided to share this and other drafts as it they all form part of the last couple of years and how my mind was working…
Friday 13th June 2013 I was informed that I had been suspended from my placement and from uni. I was also told that I was going to be dragged down to A&E to see the on call psychiatrist. There was a real concern that I was going to do something.
I don’t want to go into details because it was an extremely painful experience and one which I have struggled to come to terms with. It is complicated as well and I just don’t have the energy to do that right now. What I can say is that in November 2012 I was on a placement for the course I attended at Uni and also had to go to lectures. My relationship with my mother and sister disintegrated and I was struggling with my sleep. I was coping, just. I threw myself into the work I was doing and just got on with it. I also started counselling around this time because it was becoming clear that I needed some help. I also got bullied by one of the girls on the course who was also linked in with my placement. My confidence and belief in my abilities took a real hammering and by Christmas 2012 I was a wreck.
Jan 2013 was a tough month for numerous reasons, but I was hanging on the best that I could, but by February I was really beginning to struggle with my emotions. I felt out of my depth on so many levels and I could no longer handle being in Uni and the lectures. The number of people there, having to pretend that everything was fine etc. I couldn’t concenrate. It was awful. On placement I had been working my butt of but I by the end of Feb I was beginning to feel triggered. I had started using my prescription meds as a way of being able to sleep and had worked up a tolerance and an additcion to tramadol and co-codamol. I broke down in front of a service user and the following week got sent home. Zopiclone was prescibed and I slept for the first time in months. At the beginning of March I was prescribed sertraline and told I was suffering from ‘low mood’……STUPID CUNT DIDNT LISTEN TO ME AND MADE ME FEEL EVEN WORSE.
Saw a different GP, she kept me on the sertraline but increased the dose. She also took me off the tramadol immediately and gave me a diagnosis of depression. Great, I had got somewhere but was very unhappy about the loss of tramadol. I had hideous withdrawal. Was in so much pain and felt so ill…not a good time at all. By april I was only on sertraline and co-codamol. I was still doing essays and revising for a law exam but I wasn’t feeling any better, if anything I was feeling worse. I was hearing voices and hallucinating a lot. I had flashbacks at random times and just began to become fearful of having to go out anywhere. At the end of the month I went back to see the GP, she decided to wean me off sertraline and prescribed me citalopram. I had started to have a much more difficult time and by the end of May I was self-harming, drinking, abusing my co-codamol severely and had lost all interest in everything. I still went to my placement but I was no longer able to keep boundaries in place. I related to them too easily and the idea of getting hold of some drugs was very appealing to me. I wouldn’t sleep with my husband unless I was off my face. There are big blanks here too, I recall just being surrounded by dark shadows, hearing voices all the time that never seemed to go away