Fluctuations – an unfinished draft from earlier this year

My head feels heavy right now. I am not sure why, nothing has happened, things are calm and the weekend has been good. In the last hour or so I have just felt my mood slipping and my thoughts have been running riot around my mind. It is frustrating as I can’t work out why this has happened. Nothing has triggered me either. In some ways it would be easier if something had, but nothing.

This is one of the things that I detest about my mental health, I can be doing better, I can be making progress and then suddenly for no reason I take a step backwards. I have not cut for a week, and honestly I have not had any urges to, but tonight I have had urges and strong thoughts and I don’t know why. There are lots of things coming up in the next week or so which need to be done. Stuff for the kids, financial things, counselling etc.

I feel frustrated by my life. The position that we are in with our housing, the fact that I am not well enough to work, that I may not get my funding for uni, the lack of money we have for the little things in life. I just feel so trapped. To be honest, I am not sure that I am 34 right now. I feel 14.  I feel this way a lot.

I would like to runaway from all of this. I don’t want to have all these responsibilities and difficulties to deal with. I want to be able to just go and get off my face, not have to care about anything. I want to have fun…….

I’m 14 and I should be enjoying my life. But there is a part of me that isn’t. I hate being at home, I hate how scared and panicked I feel when I am at home. But I despise the person I become when I am not at home. I feel lost and confused by so many things.

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