For longer than I can remember counselling has been something which has been suggested I need on numerous occasions. The problem is that there has never been anyone I have connected with and felt able to talk to. I have struggled to find something I like I about them, I haven’t trusted them, I have felt that they were not going to believe me so I have only ever rambled on about things which were actually relatively insignificant to everything else that was really going on. But it hasn’t just been the people, it’s been the rooms and buildings too. It may sound stupid, but they haven’t felt like a safe place. They have felt uncomfortable and far too clinical. I remember the last time I tried having counselling in 2012 the lady was nice enough but she seemed somehow inept and the idea of discussing sex with her was as likely as me discussing this kind of thing in detail with my mother…It wasn’t going to happen. She also seemed to be unsure of what to say. Surely I am the one who should be stuck and lost for words. She seemed to want me to lead the sessions, but I am not like that and this just made me feel really uncomfortable and given that I was the one who was paying, sitting in silence seemed like a waste. When the self harming started to become and problem, she was really judgmental and this just made me feel even more like a freak. I ended this because we were not getting anywhere and I was fed up. I didn’t want to go often and would cancel the sessions more than I would go.
The women’s centre near where I live is in an unassuming building which is in a residential area. It feels like a safe place to have to travel to and because I know the area well this is an added bonus. Inside it’s comfortable yet simple. There isn’t a clinical smell or feel anywhere. The counselling rooms are upstairs which is nice as the windows look right over the houses and you can see trees and gardens which is somehow relaxing. This may sound stupid, but honestly for me this is an important part of being safe and comfortable. The room we were in was light and airy with a couch, coffee table and a chair. There was a little coffee table with some random objects. I felt nervous but safe.
My counsellor is a lovely lady who has a warm, compassionate way about her and she knows from the assessment how hard this has been to get myself to go and the amount of issues there are to deal with. I told her that I had been thinking about how the best way was to use the sessions and we agreed that jumping straight in to the hard stuff would just make it too hard. I am not in a place where I can say things yet and I know that this is what I have to work towards. Instead we focused on what is happening in the here and now, specifically the issues with my marriage and the fight that we had and how things were effecting each of the people in my family.
I worked backwards from my youngest through to my husband. My youngest son is displaying signs of anxiety and when the welfare lady met with him on Thursday he was apparently a little manic. He is clearly struggling with things