previously unpublished ~ March/April 2015

This was written several months ago when everything just felt too painful….I have never published it before, it was only a draft, one I couldn’t finish.

There are times when no matter what I do or what I try to convince myself of I feel empty and worthless. I question my existence, where I am going, who I really am deep inside and what it is that I would like to do. I fight myself with these thoughts as they are conflicting and impractical. I feel so lost and alone, trapped in my own mind with no way of escaping.

I have support from the MHT, counselling which starts next week, the kids school and some truly amazing and inspirational people on Twitter….my twitter family whom I love and feel thankful to have ‘met’ and who accept me as I am. They encourage and support me and make me feel like I matter. For all this support I now have I feel very lucky. 

But my head is still a battlefield full of landmines that are ready to explode at any moment. I try to avoid them, I literally fight myself all day everyday. I try to believe and remember all the kind, generous, encouraging things that people have said to me and hold onto them as best as I can, however there are times when it gets too much. I mentally and emotionally exhausted. Not only do I spend each day trying to believe in myself as others do, I also fight demons, lots and lots of dark, evil demons that will appear suddenly and demand my attention. I have been getting better at fighting some of them, but there are others which are too strong for me. With all this fighting I get tired, can’t think, concentrate and my only desire is to runaway. I have wanted to runaway more and more in recent weeks. I have asked myself what it is that I want to runaway from. 

My past?
People?
Expectations of others on me?
Expectations I place on myself?
The feeling of not being good enough?
Or perhaps just from myself?
From reality?
Responsibility?
From life?????

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