PREVIOUSLY UNPUBLISHED, what was meant to be my final blog post as I felt that I could trust no one. Writing made me more vulnerable and my fear of publishing this was all consuming. However, these feelings have changed and I feel able to share this finally…it is published as intended but will no longer be my final post….there will be more to come over time.
Writing this blog was meant to be an aid in dealing with a number of issues surrounding my mental health. It was supposed to be a safe place to let go of all the inner turmoil and provide me, potentially, with some answers.
I joined twitter a year a go for the same reason. Somewhere to vent when things were tough. Somewhere to let go in the heat of the moment and somewhere that I might meet people who would understand what I was dealing and would perhaps accept me as I am.
For more than 8/9 months this seemed to work beautifully and I felt like i was getting the answers to some of the traumatising events. I was surprised at how many of you read what I wrote, the level of support I received and even more so by the amount of people who wrote to me privately who could relate.
Twitter was as amazing. I never expected for a second that anyone would bother me let alone end up talking extensively with so many other tweeters. The volume of people who had a similar diagnosis, prescribed the same medication and who had experiences was mind blowing.
However, a few months ago I began to feel like I was no longer able to vent as freely on twitter because it was becoming clear that some of those who talked to me didn’t bother reading anything that I was saying and would ask insensitive questions or lecture me or would only respond to me if what I wrote was negative. Sharing successes went completely ignored by virtually everybody and I began to feel that being unwell was the only time people were remotely interested.
For the past few months I’ve found it increasingly more difficult to write a blog or tweet because of the way that some people have responded.
There is a lot that I can tolerate but I have my limits. Being patronised about medications, about BPD and life in general is where I draw the line. People are entitled to believe what they want but don’t push it onto me.
I have also found that the way people see me is far removed from what I had expected, or wanted.
I have referred to myself in recent times as a junkie. The reason being that cocodamol seemed be the only thing that I wanted. Taking them seemed to help keep me calm and my anxiety at bay.
But despite me reliance on codeine, my main problem is my mental health. Borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety. As I’ve been trying to deal with things my anxiety has revealed itself to being agoraphobia. I’ve had people asking me why. What am I scared of? I don’t really know but it’s a massive issue and without cocodamol in my life any more I am having to deal with it and anxiety attacks.
Subutex is a substitute which keeps withdrawal symptoms at bay. So whilst I’m no longer taking it, I’ve not withdrawn physically yet. Instead I am dealing with the psychological addiction I had to it.
I’m having to deal with my emotions as I’ve never dealt with them before and I guess you could say I am getting to know myself.
However, I am essentially doing this on my own. I have no support at all from the CMHT, sharing anything in my blog now makes me feel really vulnerable and open to yet more judgements being made of me. Some people have just been amazing and I am incredibly grateful to those people who have been genuinely caring and have encouraged me all the way. I know you are out there and I cannot thank you enough.
However, I also know that there are people who see me as being pathetic and stupid. I have been judged in such a way that it’s has made me feel like I can’t talk to people any more.I
On twitter I feel like people pretend to be someone other than who they really are. They give support to a degree and then either backtrack on it at a later date or they are two faced and discuss me behind my back or think.something entirely different.
Some of my very closest friends have surprised me with the things they have said to me recently.
I’m not saying this very well, but again I am not a writer. I have been told that I’m not going to be winning any prizes for my writing. But that’s never what any of this has ever been about. I don’t want any prizes. I just want to let go of things and move forward with my life. If writing (even badly) helps me then is should be able to. But this has been ruined for me for many reasons and I’ve reached a point where I don’t feel able to share anything. Not on here or on twitter.
I have that people think that I am incapable of making decisions about things. That i make the wrong choices and that because of these I therefore leave myself open and vulnerable
I feel like people think that I am stupid, blind, a loser. Someone who isn’t good for anything. I’ve been laughed at, have been criticised for how I am dealing with a number of things. People don’t bother talking to me any more and some people have given me reason not to trust them which in turn has got to the stage where I don’t trust anyone.
I feel like this is all my fault. I wrote a lot about myself and people could make judgments about me because I was so honest and open. But the reality is that I know so little about all the people who I’ve spoken with or who have read text blog or tweets.
I feel like such a fool believing that many of the people I’ve spoken to were friends and gave a shit. I feel stupid for letting my guard down and being so trusting.
I’m a deeply private person normally and don’t open up in the way I have done. Some of the things I wrote and posted I don’t remember doing and I now find myself angry at what I shared.
The point of this post is to say that I have made all my previous posts private and at this moment in time I am uncertain what I am going to do with this blog.
Some people do not understand how much I have needed it and tell me I should shut it down. They say it like it’s not a big deal, like they couldn’t give a fuck either way. The same with twitter, I dont feel safe on twitter because I don’t trust anybody any more. I feel that these things which have kept me alive and mean a lot to me are dismissed by others as not being a big deal. Right now I’m lost as to who my friends are and what people really think of me.
I am lib and just dropping her like it’s no big deal or not writing on twisted journey means masses to me. And all the dimissiveness from ‘so-called friends’ just shows me that I should have perhaps believed my gut two years ago and just keep myself to myself. Thst I shouldn’t let anybody in because at the end of the day no one really cares. It’s easy to say they do and perhaps they believe it. But it really doesn’t feel that way to me.
I’m trying hard to fix my life but the places I thought would help me with this part of my journey actually seem to be causing me harm.
I dont want to shut them down, I dont want to hide away but for the time being I feel like I have no choice.
And before anyone thinks that this is aimed at them or they reckon they know what is going on, my suggestion is not to assume because the chances are you’re wrong. If you want to know then ask me. Don’t avoid me, talk about me, get upset or whatever because you think something…speak to me directly and ask… I can either reassure or confirm or dismiss….
So for now, this is my last post. I won’t be reposting any of the previous things I’ve written. I might come back one day.