Black clouds, terrential rain and a rainbow ~ unfinished post written earlier on this year

It hasn’t been the easiest of months and the last few days have been ridiculous in how unpredictable my mood is going to be. Black clouds have been hanging around my head and just when I think that they are going to clear and things are perhaps going to be brighter, it literally just pisses down with terrential rain.

Not very much has really happened to make this the case either. It is so frustrating and I have no idea how to deal with it. Distracting doesn’t help at the moment. I did have a good list of things that I felt able to use as a way of distracting but over the past couple of months these have somewhat dissapated and about the only things I seem able to do are make tea and have a fag. From time to time I can blog and then there is my insatiable use of Twitter. But over the past couple of days this just hasnt been enough.

I have tried to understand what is going on, but the truth is I genuinely don’t know what’s happening. I can’t explain my mood. All I know is that I want to spend most of my time hidden away. I have cut pretty badly this week, worse than I have since May. I feel angry with myself because I can’t get a grip of what’s going on. One minute I feel like I am taking back some control, I feel motivated and inspired and the next I am back to being incapable of doing anything. Just overwhelmed by the simple need to breathe. It’s just too much.

My suicidal thoughts come hard and fast at me out of nowhere and I fight to push them aside. I’ve been better and managed to communicate on a couple of occasions when I’ve been feeling like this. But the fact that I have them and they are so strong scares me. I have also got it into my head that the way I cut is pathetic and I need to get a razor. I currently pick at my skin and use scissors, needles and a pair of tweezers to cause small cuts that can be quiet deep. The tops of my arms are covered in new scars but I know in time they will fade. It makes me mad that they fade. I don’t want them to fade and I don’t give a shit what people think of my scars, my emotional amd mental ones are far from healed but always hidden. Well fuck what anyone thinks about my cuts and scars, it’s my body and I can do what I want with it.

I feel really angry at the moment. I seem to be jumping from one mood to another so frequently that I no longer feel like I have any control over anything whatsoever. I can go from being incapable of getting out of bed one day to feeling invincible and capable of anything and everything. I am more active with the kids, with talking to people and getting on with every day things. It’s a good feeling, I like it. But it doesn’t last, I will wake up the next day or a few days later and just simply not be able to move. Everything seems so hard, just getting out of bed and taking the kids to school is like climbing a very steep mountain. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that there will be peace and quiet and I can go back to bed.

I have been doing CBT the past three weeks and it’s been hard going. I’ve not seen the point to it. Having spent yesterday feeling suicidal, self-harming and in bed, today there were things I had to do. CBT being one of them. The social worker and family support worker came to meet my husband so I also had to tidy up.

The CBT today was not as bad as I had feared. I actually spoke to  a couple of people and found that one had schizophrenia and the other has relapsed, her diagnosis is traits of BPD. It’s reassuring to know that I am not the only fruit cake in the room. However, I still find CBT to be lacking what I need. Whatever that is. There are some good things about CBT which in everyday life are beneficial and of anything just reinforces what I already do. That was a good feeling today. Bit it doesn’t help me to deal with the trauma I have experienced, the voices and flashbacks or nightmares. These things I can’t control and I can’t get a handle on my moods.

This afternoon/evening my hubby and I took the kods out to the cinema and for dinner. It’s the first time since June that we have done anything as a family so it’s been good.

The downer on the day has been the absolutely inept way my doctor’s surgery works. This is the third weel in a row that they have fucked up my prescription. I am tonight trying to deal with no questiapine or zopiclone so I am wide awake. I have to be up in 3 and a half hours to get the kids to school. But I am wide awake.

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