TRIGGER WARNING explicit talk of self harm, specifically cutting. Suicidal thoughts and addiction.
My head is aching like fuck. I’ve got two pills left and my script is not due until Friday. Inside I am agitated and anxious about nothing in particular. Just feelings I can’t seem to shake off.
Today was counselling, I got held up and was a few minutes late. My agitation was pretty high. We talked about some things to do with where we are headed, like a plan I guess. We discussed my cutting, suicidal thoughts and addiction.
I have been wondering over the past few days about how I got to this point. Why did I have such a hideous breakdown two years ago? Why didn’t it happen when I was being raped every night? Why didn’t my whole fucking world come crumbling down then? I wasn’t happy, I did drink more than I should and I smoked. But I wasn’t cutting and I wasn’t taking any pills or drugs. My life was a mess and I was alone. I had no money and no friends. Things were worse than they have ever been yet I got through it.
Depression has always been here in my life and anxiety. But this level of shit feeling and suicidal thoughts…I don’t remember feeling so low. Ever.
I don’t know this person I have become.
At 17 I remember feeling lost, I split with my fiancé and broke. I took an overdose. Spent hours in a and e. Refused to drink the black shit that they told me was charcoal. Eventually I gave in, but I wanted to die. I just couldn’t see the point to anything. I felt empty and a failure. Up to this point I hadn’t told anyone about things. I still didn’t. I trusted no one. I hid away for months. I saw no one and went nowhere…other than the shit psychiatrist who just got on my nerves.
Tonight, I am suicidal. I’m wondering what the point of all this is. I’m always tired, I dissociate all of the time, I can’t think half the time and my memory is fucking more unreliable than the weather.
But there is a side of me that also wants to fight…it’s the fucked up junkie that loves her children and husband more than anything else. The only reason I have to keep breathing. The idea of one of them finding me makes me feel so sick inside that it stops me. Instead I take pills, I cut and I keep going to my counsellor. I keep going to the shitty dbt and stupid CMHT.
On Tuesday last week I went to counselling. I had it planned that I was going to buy some blades. I’ve been using scissors but they don’t do enough. I broke down in tears in the counselling. I couldn’t keep the mask on and I let go. I felt so scared and vulnerable as the tears ran down my face. I didn’t feel 35, I felt like a little kid just lost.
When I left I went straight to the chemist and bought some blades. Holding them in my hand as I walked to the car I felt this enormous sense of relief wash over me. I drove home and as soon as I got in I popped some pills and opened the packet. I cut, tentatively. As the blood ran down my arm the tears came back and I curled up with the tears flowing and blood dripping I felt everything just go.
It’s not been too good since then. I have cut a lot and have taken more pills and alcohol than I remember. I want to cut now. But the cuts I have already look really bad and I know that I’m doing a lousy job of hiding them from my kids and hubby.
I have an appointment next week with a drug and alcohol team who also offer rehab. I have referred myself and told them I want to get clean. No substitute prescribing. I want to stop everything. I also want to stop all the other meds. My counsellor advised me today not to do anything hasty and to take the advice of the people at the rehab place.
I was thinking aloud to her….I questioned whether there was a possibility that maybe the addiction is why I’m unwell. What caused the breakdown…did the addiction to tramadol, cocodamol and zopiclone cause me to become unstable and suicidal? Is this why nothing is helping to make me feel well, stable and in control?
What if i get clean of everything and I’m not this giant mess? No one has considered this….neither had I until this morning. But I can’t understand why I’ve never been as unwell and unstable as I am now. Do I really have bpd or have they jumped to the conclusion that my past and my symptoms correlate to this diagnosis. They dismiss half my symptoms which are like bipolar yet they give me the same meds…they are horrible to me. Yes I am clutching at straws here. I want to be clean and to be back in control. I know that i have a problem with addiction…I will take or do anything. I know that. It’s why rehab is the only option.
I’m not sure what to expect next week. But I can’t carry on. The fighter in me is still there, but I am taking more every day and cutting deeper and deeper every time. I don’t even know always what I am doing and this is worrying to my counsellor. My hubby is supportive and is encouraging rehab. It means everything to have him by my side. Things have changed so much and I want to fight for him as he hasn’t given up on me.