It was after midnight last night when I took myself up to bed. The quetiapine and zopiclone knocked me out as much as they can. I have only a vague recollection of coming to bed which is always unnerving.
3.38am I am wide awake. I try closing my eyes again, shift position and try to relax.
3.54am I start getting fidgety and frustrated. I just can’t switch off and relax. My body is just screaming to get my arse up and out of bed despite the very rational part of me arguing that it’s the middle of the night and I should be sleeping.
So, that was it. Up I got, went downstairs, put a load of washing on, made a cup of tea and a hot water bottle. I settled down on the sofa for some intense lego movie gaming on the ps3. My sons game which I have taken a real liking for….I am dead set on getting all the little extras and bonuses as well as opening and buying all the characters.
Hubby comes down at 5.30 am and questions whether I came to bed at all last night. Yep, I did. For all 2.30-3 hrs of it! He and I both know that this is not a good sign. Whenever I am not doing well mentally my sleep just goes. The quetiapine and zopiclone do sedate and I can’t keep my eyes open. But it takes time for it to kick in and instead of lasting for usual 8-12 hours it’s wearing off incredibly quickly.
I stayed up until 7.45am when I started to feel sleepy. Catch the sleep when it hits rather than avoiding it because it’s day time. So I reckon I snoozed for about an hour and a half.
My head is aching like mad and I need to get my arse out of bed and look after the kids. But I am so tired and my head is whirring and I get dizzy when I sit up. Literally my head is filled with noise. Just sound, no words. High pitched noises and whirring. I really want it shut up. I’m sure it’s a normal thing for people to hear, but it’s just so loud and I don’t like it.
Hopefully the kids will be good today and we can get through it quietly and as happily as possible. At some point I have to work up to going to the shops but right now the idea of facing anything outside my frontdoor is just far too much.
I am hoping that this recent spell of broken nights and insomnia will be short lived and are just caused by the nervousness of meeting the new psychiatrist tomorrow. I remember all to well the last bout if insomnia and how unwell it made me. I already feel shit and am struggling with hideous thoughts I don’t really need or want exhaustion and lack of sleep to be added into that equation. I know that i have a small element of control, I am reaching out as much as possible. But it’s not a natural thing to do, I have to make myself. So if i am overtired etc. I don’t think that it’s really where I want to be.