Buried under my skin, flesh and bones are demons. They are big, dark and scary. Sometimes they lie silent and dormant, so much so I can forget that they are even there. At other times they are impossibly loud and obnoxious.
I try frequently to ignore them, to bury them back down deep inside. This can work, with the meds I’ve been given in the past it has given me added control and it’s felt like I’ve beaten the bastards.
But the demons aren’t that easy to defeat. They may hide quietly deep some place, but they are just biding their time for when I feel secure. When I feel like I am making progress and know how to deal with things. It’s all false though. They like creating a false sense of security. It adds to their cunning and deceptiveness. Just lying in wait until the perfect opportunity arises to rip me apart and show their ugly faces.
The worst demons are the ones which talk to me. Their words are rational, they make sense to me and I get how they reach their conclusions. But then it’s like they are fucked off with me, impatient and annoyed. My mind is no longer under my control, instead the demons are at the helm.
“take the pills, take more, just one more, maybe another one might help.”
“Have a strong drink, a nice strong one. Down it nice and fast, perhaps a couple for tonight might help.”
“go on, you know you want to”
Before I know it a bunch of pills have been swallowed and booze used to wash them down.
Then the self hating and loathing starts. I am angry with myself for being so weak as to listen to these voices. Sure it helps. But I’m filled with guilt and shame for being so pathetic and out of control.
I can hear them, the demons. Laughing at me. The guilt, the shame…. They think it’s fucking hilarious. To them it’s funny because I won’t do the other things they demand of me. I refuse. But I have a weakness and they know I can’t fight it.
It starts small, just a little flicker of darkness with a couple of bad thoughts for company. But before I even notice properly it’s completely all consuming. I am now convinced that I am no good. That everyone would be better off without me. That i am a waste of space and that I’m being selfish by staying and fighting. When this is constant and strong, when the demons are using every dirty trick in the book how do you ignore such things.
Knowing who to trust is also a mission. By trusting one person you may have to trust at least one other. Then before you know it you are being asked to trust someone else which seems like it’s forever changing its mind.