Getting my arse out the front door is hard work and when it’s for counselling it seems to get all that much harder. It’s not like I hate going, I like my therapist and feel safe when I am there, generally. I didn’t want to go this morning because I am tired and don’t really know what to say.
I’m exhausted. I wish that there were a good reason for being so tired but there simply isn’t a thing good about feeling like I need to sleep. I have no energy or interest in doing anything at all. I literally just want to hide behind my front door and tell the whole world to fuck off. I’ve got bugger all I really want to talk about. So having a while hour dedicated to talking is a bit like torture.
I did get myself to my session today. I think that it was good that I fought through my ‘dont want to go’ thoughts. Once I was there I think it was fairly reasonable start. We didn’t really talk about anything specific. Just that I am feeling quite suicidal and that I have been close to doing it a few times in the last week. The only thing stopping me is the fact that no matter how hard I find the kids I don’t want to hurt them or my hubby.
We talked about that. My “safety net”. I broke down at the weekend in front of the kids, I couldn’t handle the noise, the squabbling and the overwhelmiled feeling I had inside. I was kneeling, I put my hands over my ears and rocked. I can remember the tears just falling and just…. I don’t know, I don’t remember. I just couldn’t cope.
The past week I have broken down a huge amount on varying people. My hubby, kids, psychologist and a friend. I’ve been an utter mess.
My therapist and I discussed this and my current down mood. How long it’s been and if there’s anything that has caused it. We also talked about the fact it’s getting worse. I’ve been saying for ages that my moods don’t always follow the bpd unpredictable yoyoing. I find the constant mood swings of bpd really hard to deal with as I can go from one extreme to another in less than five minutes. It’s horrible. However, I have come to recognise that the moods tend to be caused by a trigger. Sometimes it’s caused by my anxiety or something I have to do. These moods make me hate myself internally, I get really angry and take it out in myself. Self harming is one of the few ways I know how to deal with the triggers etc and the feelings that arise.
This time is different, I don’t have this overwhelming urge to self harm. I have fleeting thoughts about it but it’s quickly replaced by much stronger suicidal ideation.
I’ve been using loads of co-codamol the past couple of weeks. My head has lots of stuff going on inside and I just want it to shut up. I am struggling to deal with the things I have to do and my head just nags and gets overwhelmed by all that needs doing and how to do it. I feel pathetic for saying that but I don’t know how else to explain it.
I have also found that my senses seem heightened. Noise is a billion times louder than it normally is, light just hurts my eyes and being touched just…well I don’t want to be touched. I just want to be left alone most of the time.
The co-codamol helps me to switch off. My anxiety doesn’t feel so intense and I can just sit with out the restless feeling I get. The more frequently I take it though the more I need to get the same feeling. The past week I have been craving something stronger. The last couple of days a couple of shots of alcohol have helped a bit. But it’s not enough…
I also want to get away. I don’t want all the responsibility right now and all the jobs that go with it. I feel like I just need to get away from all this so that my brain can just be quiet and I can focus again.
I’ve talked to my hubby about going to rehab. I don’t want to be addicted any more, I don’t want to get completely panicked when I’ve got very few left. The horrible anxiety of running out and not having them if i really need them. It’s not a way to live life. I know this, but knowing and getting clean are not the same thing at all. I don’t think I can do this on my own. I’m scared of not having the pills. What am I going to do with the anxiety and racing thoughts? I also don’t want to lose the little buzz it gives me. It’s stupid but I don’t want to lose that.
Going to rehab is complicated too because of my mental health. It’s also expensive and I can’t afford it. The nhs has lots of waiting lists. To detox at home would mean withdrawing in front of the kids. I don’t want them to see that. So going away is a better option but there’s nowhere to go. So I feel screwed.
I feel completely trapped by everything.
I’m trying to write this but my thoughts just feel like they are disjointed and I’m not making any sense. It’s incredibly frustrating to have so much in my head but no way of expressing it clearly.
I’ve got so lost with what I was trying to say my head is now pounding and buzzing.
I don’t know what to do with myself. If feel like I’m really a massive waste of space and I don’t want to be here and more.
I don’t know how to do this. I’m so tired and empty. I feel so selfish for wanting to end it all, but I can’t see a way forward. The fucking tears are falling and I just can’t do this….I really can’t. I’m worn out.