Hiding

*TRIGGER WARNING* Suicidal thoughts

Hiding away has been the only way to deal with the past week. Having to explain to people why I am depressed, why I don’t want to go out, why I am feeling suicidal is just too much. I don’t want to hear how I need to be kind to myself, or to forgive myself for things I have messed up. I don’t want to hear that this is all because I am ill. I am sick of hearing all of that. It doesn’t make me feel better, it doesn’t change how I feel, or the fact that I have responsibilities and I let them down again and again.

On Monday I had this overwhelming feeling that everyone would be better off without me. I broke down to my friend on the phone, in front of my kids, which is not cool. I have told my husband how shit I am feeling and he has been amazingly supportive. But it doesn’t change how I feel. The fact that my head is filled with empty, dark thoughts. I can’t get rid of them.

No, nothing has triggered me. Nothing has happened. Just an overwhelming feeling of being useless, pointless and stupid. I am sick to death of hearing that this is a symptom of my BPD. Its not. Its different. I don’t want to be patronised about it, I don’t want to be told what I need. I know what I need. I need for my meds to be changed, I need to see the psychiatrist and get some proper support from someone who doesn’t dismiss what I experience.

I am on 300mg of Venlafaxine, I shouldn’t be feeling like this. My letter has been given a few weeks ago and it is on my file that I am to have a change of psychiatrist. I am hoping that it will be soon. The psychologists on the dbt course seem to be concerned about me. I have been really quiet at group. Not because I don’t care, I do. I just feel that there are times when it doesn’t help me, it makes me feel even worse.

Over the past few weeks I have been relying heavily on co-codamol just to get through the day. It stops my brain from really thinking about too much and I just feel zoned out. Its not healthy, I know I was doing so much better in January. I had managed to cut it right down and was taking less than I have in many, many months. I feel guilty for taking them, I feel like I am a loser and the more I take the more i need.

There are loads of things which could be attributed to my feeling depressed. But the truth is that when I am triggered I use the dbt skills to work through it. It works well a lot of the time.

This, I…..I don’t know how to explain.

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