Nothingness

__The_Dead_Girl_Epilogue___by_VikkiGothAngel

There isn’t really very much to say. I am feeling pretty crappy. Tearful for no real reason. I feel empty inside but my head is filled with a million different things. Racing thoughts about nothing. Nothing that matters.

I feel completely useless, pathetic, worthless.

A few weeks back I was completely obsessed and hyper about a TV show I had been watching. I became so absorbed with everything to do with Ancient Rome, Egypt and Greece. I have never been interested in anything to do with it before and suddenly I couldn’t find out enough. I downloaded free books, surfed the net trying to find out as much as possible, I looked at courses to do. If I had any money I would have spent thousands of pounds on books, courses, even renewing my passport so that I could travel to all these places.

This went on for a couple of weeks. Its all I could think about and if I couldn’t watch, read or learn I got agitated, easily irritated by the smallest things, even the noise of my children laughing annoyed me. I am disgusted with myself that something so beautiful and healthy could make me feel angry inside. I snapped and snarled.

Then out of nowhere my mood just dropped. The anxiety and depression has just come back with vengence. Its weird though because whilst I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to be sociable, I am lethargic and struggle to express myself, I am also really bored and fidgety. I am not sleeping particularly well so I feel tired during the day but I can’t sleep. Perhaps 4 hours and then its all broken and during the day I have turned to my friend co-codamol to maybe help me nap, I still can’t sleep.

I feel like I am losing my mind. Like one minute I am too cold so I put on a hoodie and then the next minute I am baking hot. I can’t focus or concentrate. I am so frustrated with this feeling. I have been trying to get push for them to hurry up with the psychiatrist. I haven’t seen one since October/November. I don’t actually recall, but I know I have tried for weeks and weeks to get an appointment with the old one but nothing happened. I feel like no one gives a shit that the meds aren’t working and that the depression is building with a side of mania on the side for good measure.

I am scared that this is going to get even worse than it already is. Seeing the care co-ordinator is pointless because I have already seen her and she was meant to sort me an appointment.  I have cancelled my appointment with her for next week because to be honest I would much rather have lunch with my dad.

Sorry, lots of I’s in this, but I have nowhere else to say any of this.

I am feeling more alone than I have in a long time. I feel like there is literally no one who understands how I am feeling. I am sick to death of the whole BPD thing. I want it to just fuck off. The one thing which is beginning to be clearer is that the way I manage bpd is working. I am controlling so many things where I didn’t before and I do except that I have some very fucked up thoughts and emotions. My counsellor was really great on Tuesday as the role of my reinforcer. She confirmed to me the areas I believe are problematic through her observations and meetings with me.

So that’s good.

BUT the rest, this downward spiral is something which shouldn’t be happening, not with these meds. My moods, the way I am feeling. I don’t feel well and there is nothing anyone other than a psychiatrist can do. I feel like I am just a walking piece of nothingness. A pain in the arse to my shrink. I am trying to hard to keep my family together, to keep my marriage together, to work on my mental health and to feel better. I am trying to find the positives, trying to look to the future. I am working my butt of to be better but its like this massive, impenetrable wall has been put up in front of me and I cannot get over it. I am just banging my head on it. Even the co-codamol doesn’t do anything. My paranoia is quite extreme. I feel like I can’t trust anyone. Professionals are liars, people who I thought were my friends, since we were kids, are just nowhere to be seen.

It feels impossible to explain to anyone how I am feeling. There is no one to talk to, no one who can do anything to help me. I feel that I am just nothing. I am filled with nothingness, I hate myself. I am hard work, people can’t cope with me. I am not worth bothering with.

I used to think that the way to make friends and to keep them was to be there for them no matter what. So that’s what I do. But it takes energy to do that, uses up my emotions, I let down the walls inside and allow them to come in, knowing that I am making myself vulnerable. I do it again and again and again.  With the professionals I used to believe that they were the enemy. I didn’t trust them so I kept them at arms length. But then one day I needed to be open and honest because my whole world was just too unbearable. So I shared things, I told them how fucking crap I was feeling. My arms showed how bad I was. I let people know. However, I was stupid to place so much trust in them, to allow myself to be so vulnerable with them.

Nothing makes sense, nothing is how it seems, nothing is right.

I feel like I am done with all this nothingness. I am tired of emptiness…tired of nothing working.

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