Having to get up this morning was hard work. Aside from it being far too early and bloody cold, I had to go to dbt.
It’s week 7 of 20 and I dispise having to go. For the past few sessions we have had I’ve just felt that it has made me feel so much worse. However today’s session wasn’t as bad.
We looked at how to challenge some of our negative thoughts or myths that are created. Like if you cry you are weak or its wrong to get angry.
From reading any of my previous posts you could be forgiven for thinking that I am a very negative person. But I’m not incapable of seeing positives and challenging my negative thoughts.
There are times when I exhaust myswlf my doing exactly that, challenging my thoughts with another thought. Distancing myself from whatever it is and trying to see it from a different point of view. I do this day in and day out. If I didn’t I wouldn’t get through the day at all.
What I find hard is sitting in the group listening to what their problems are and their way of thinking about things. This probably sounds really bad but it’s not that I don’t care. I do and seeing others so upset is hard to watch. I would love to make things easier for everyone. What is hard is that I don’t relate to such a lot of what they say and I am feeling more and more like a freak.
Last year when I was on this course I had a lot of times where I was off my face, but I can remember that I could relate to others within the group. It made it easier to be there and to understand the sessions. This time round I just don’t feel the same way at all. I feel isolated and alone.
I have been challenging this particular thought today trying to make sense of why I feel this way and what I can do to make it better.
There is a man in the group who I really don’t like. He hasn’t done anything to me but I find him to be quite aggressive with his attitude and because he is quite vocal within the group I find that as the session progresses I get more agitated by him. Last week I was on edge the entire time because they had seated me next to him. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
When I think about it, it seems really pathetic and stupid as he’s done nothing wrong. But last week even his breathing was too much. He’s not only aggressive in his attitude but he is incredibly negative about so much that goes on in the world and also the course. I don’t mean to be rude and I probably sound like a bitch, but he is also really quite thick. The combination of all of it just makes me want to scream. Perhaps if he wasn’t so vocal it wouldn’t be an issue. I find it so hard to be around men who are aggressive.
I have been trying hard to use the course skills and embrace what they are trying to teach us, but I’ve found that it has cause me to become increasingly depressed and my feeling of emptiness and worthlessness has increased a lot.
Last year I spent a lot of time being fearful about rejection and losing my friends etc. I was also plagued by constant thoughts, flashbacks and nightmares about the past and I also suffered badly with insomnia. Well the insomnia isn’t so bad but that’s because of the meds I’m on. They make me at least fall asleep so that’s something positive and I am thankful for that.
But I am aware that the anti-depressants I am on are not doing anything for me. I am as depressed and anxious as ever. Furthermore I am frustrated with the lack of direction and meaning my life has. I’m not super brainy but I am bored. But I am trapped in this place and I can’t seem to find a way to get out of it.
The group emphasises this each week that I go. There are things that I could do once I am better but I am stuck right now and every idea I have which could get me out of it there’s another hurdle to overcome.
I have been feeling very withdrawn and increased need to hide away from everyone. I am tired of having to explain things. I’m bored of having a mental illness that I can’t get a handle on.
This week I’ve been meticulous in how I’ve got things done. I’ve literally taken the kids to school and anything that has needed to be done in have done whilst I have been out. I have then come home and hidden myself away from the outside world. It’s worked a treat and I’ve managed to limit my interactions with others.
The flip side is that I am more alone but it’s still not enough. I want company too. It’s very confusing. So I’m now thinking for fuck sake make your bloody mind up.
I know I need to see the psychiatrist but I am still waiting for a response from the request I made to change. I don’t know how long it’s going to take and in the meantime I feel very isolated from any professional support. I know I could have gone to my counsellor but it’s not anything she can really help me with I need to see the frigging shrink.
A big thing I have also been thinking about and trying really hard to manage is my bpd. I can recognise some of the traits I have as purely being bpd and how it came to be. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that things I never thought of as problematic are. But I am so tired of hearing how all my thinking and behaviour can be explained away or excused by blaming it on the bpd.
There are so many different symptoms that make up bpd it’s like a huge fucking joke because they can be found in countless other illnesses too. I have a diagnosis of serious bpd. I tick all the different boxes and several within each section. Some are severe and others moderate. So I accept I have it. But what I don’t and won’t accept is that everything that is going on me head can be attributed to bpd.
If bpd really took over every single last thought then the dbt skills would work for me. But there are some things where bpd just doesn’t explain it, the skills don’t help and the meds don’t help either. So somewhere something has either been missed or hasn’t been acknowledged.
The last few times I saw my shitty shrink she was very accusatory towards me. She was prescribing me all this medication but I still felt shit so what had happened. What was causing this now… It’s like there has to have been a trigger or something in order for it to be acceptable that I was still feeling shit or worse. And clearly I wasn’t using the dbt skills. The psychologists and psychiatrists place so much emphasis on the individual to help themselves that when things feel terrible the thoughts are not to say anything at all. If you do then you get reprimanded for not doing enough. It is not helped by this premise that those with bpd are difficult to treat. I’m not trying to be difficult. I hate feeling this way.
Seriously, I don’t know a single person who would want to feel empty, isolated, afraid, depressed, moody, reliant on pills just to get through the day whether they work or not, lack of energy, unable to concentrate, loss of interest in almost everything, emotional and lost. Who would want that? Who would want to stay like that? I can’t get my head around that kind of mentality that suggests someone with bpd wants to be like that.
Perhaps we become difficult to treat because people are dismissive, don’t understand, blame everything on bpd like we are incapable of having normal feelings of anger or hurt. Having bpd doesn’t make me stupid either and the constant patronising of the “professionals” really makes me pissed off and angry. I have to fight myself not to lose it with them and other than walking out of my last psychiatrist’s appointment I’ve done well at keeping a lid on it.
I feel resentful of the diagnosis. I’m annoyed that because I have an addiction my meds have been limited. Things they could prescribe me they won’t. I don’t want to be a junkie. I just want to feel that I have some purpose. That if i were brave enough to apply for a job which I could do with my hands tied behind my back that I would be able to carry it out. Instead I don’t apply because I know that i wouldn’t last a day.
I hate where my life is, how there’s nowhere to turn for some real support. That my real worries are not about the past but about the future.
The group today got me thinking about how I’ve pushed things back down to forget about them, that I use the dbt skills all the time and that I am feeling a greater need to hide away from everyone so I don’t have to keep repeating myself. I don’t want to have to keep rehashing over the past.
The reason this blog works and twitter is because they are a choice I make to say what I need to. I don’t need to make sense all the time. If I’ve got nothing to say then I don’t have to. I don’t need to explain everything thoroughly so that someone else can understand my thinking.
The only problem with this though is that there is sometimes no relief from sharing. At times it just highlights my unhappiness, or my frustration. It can make me feel more alone. It’s really fucking stupid. Just going round and round not getting anywhere.
Im winding myself up so I am going to fuck off and just stop here.