Tears that don’t fall

Yesterday I didn’t go to counselling. I couldn’t face it. I didn’t want to have to rehash my childhood or relationships past and present. I just wanted to stay cocooned under a blanket in the safety of my home.

My head was overloaded with an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Some of it was caused by the memories, flashbacks and nightmares. Other things were to do with the present. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes but they don’t fall. They just dried up.

Today I’ve wanted to stay hidden away again. I got up at a stupidly early time, got the kids to school and did anything that I needed to whilst I was out. I came home and barricaded myself inside my house determined that I wouldn’t be going out again.

Earlier on I took some extra quetiapine and a couple of co-codamol. I was completely spaced out. I talked with my friend on the phone. She told me to call if i didn’t feel safe…so I called.

I’ve felt so unable to talk to anyone. I can feel myself shutting myself off. I don’t want to be sociable. I don’t want to talk about things. I’m running out of words to explain or express what’s going on.

Surely by now the venlafaxine should be working along with everything else. I’ve not had any change in the amounts for about 2 months or so. But if anything I don’t feel better. I feel as I did before. I have no energy at all, a complete sense of emptiness and worthlessness. There’s nothing that I am really doing of any importance. I keep going because I’ve got my kids and husband. But I feel useless.

The dbt that I did last year and that I am redoing now just doesn’t do a thing to help. It doesn’t change anything other than to cement my feelings. I’m trying to focus on some things and not lose sight of what could be possible. But everyday is like wading through thick mud and I can’t see through the fog all around me.

Talking with my friend was good. She lifted my spirits like she always does. For a couple of hours she helped distract me and made me laugh. It was good.

It’s a couple of hours since we chatted and that inescapable feeling is back.

Why won’t it just fuck off???

I feel better able to cope when my husband is here. I feel safe and protected. He and I have talked a lot in the past month. It’s been good and the tension that had built up last year is beginning to subside. We are laughing and joking again. Spending time together without fighting. It’s a nice change.

But still this dark feeling lives and breathes inside of me and when he’s not here it is like fuel has been added to it.

I feel this desperate need to just cry. But I can’t. I don’t want to cry by myself and I don’t want my family to see me let go again.

Today I took pills to just escape for a bit. But there’s still tomorrow.

I have to go to dbt tomorrow too. It feels like I am wasting time. It doesn’t help. It just reinforces the truth. The fact that all those things that I thought were in my head are not just in my head. They are based on facts.

Perhaps that’s why I feel so crap. In the past I have been able to rally myself by making myself believe that all the bad things, all my self-doubt and every negative thought was wrong and that just in my head. I could find a way to dismiss it and go back to living in this fantasy. But I can’t do that any more. There is no longer any escape.

I don’t want to be admired, told I’m brave or inspirational for what I have been through, what I write on here. I’m none of those things. I have done nothing different to anyone else who has experienced shit in their lives. We all do things to survive. My way was to live in a different world. I think I dissociated most of the time to get through it. I tried to be someone else. It worked for years.

Now when I try it doesn’t work. I can’t escape anything any more. It’s all right there bright and loud.

What I hate the most is the inability to focus and concentrate. The way my energy is drained before I have even get started for the day. I’m wishing my days away. I just want to sleep, hide, not think. Housework, take the kids to school, take meds, go shopping, therapy, cook dinner…day in and day out. I hate it. My brain feels like it’s dying and I’m frustrated. I want to go out and do something meaningful for the day and come home with something to talk about. Instead I am trapped with my stupid head, my anxiety, paranoia, addiction and flashbacks. I managed to find 4 jobs that if i was well I could do. But reality hits in and I have to acknowledge that no matter how much I want to work I’m not capable of holding down a job. It’s fucking frustrating and I feel like I am just banging my head against a brick wall.

I am hopeful that funding might come through to go to uni in September. I think that doing something like learning will be a more gentle start to getting back out there than charging at full throttle into working. I can’t keep failing.
I’ve started so many things over the years and I have not completed any of them aside from one, the access course I did for two years.

I want that person back. It wasn’t easy to do but I fought through everything to make it work and succeed. But she’s not here.

I’m aware there are some things which are good about me. Deep inside I know that and I try to tell myself this everyday. But somethings are impossible to escape.

I just want to let go. I want the tears to fall and the pain, frustration, hurt and emptiness to go away. I’d like for the happy pills to work for me. I want the darkness to go and not to have to deal with the crap anymore.

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