Just to forget

It’s almost ten in the evening. It’s cold and dark outside. I’ve been hiding away all day trying to make myself feel safe. But the only thoughts that are racing through my head are the flashbacks and memories of a time gone by and this excruciating craving to get completely fucked out of my head. Some coccaine would be really nice and some vodka. I just want it all to disappear and to feel good for a moment. My stupid fucking addictions to prescription drugs is totally laughable. They do the job in small bite size pieces and then I need more. I fight that most day because if I take it too much I don’t remember anything about what’s going on around me.
The other day I went out after taking my usual zopies and quetiapine. Thing is that I only had blurry recollection of it. I was really out of it. I drove my car to the petrol station and bought food. The quetiapine gives me the munchies and we didn’t have anything so I went to get it. Next day it was so blurry. I didn’t know if it had been a dream or not. It was a bit unnerving. I’m reckless to an extent, but driving like that. I’m amazed I didn’t crash the car. I want a buzz like that only stronger.
I really don’t want to feel any more. I want to just forget the world and slip into a nice little foggy daydream that will last for hours.
I feel so selfish for wanting that. But I just feel like such a waste of space. I feel so empty and pointless.
All the things that have happened in my life. All that keeps playing thrby ough my head is ‘kids are resilient, they bounce back.’ Sure they do. Sure I did too. But to what cost. To wind up being an adult with a bunch of issues which are reminiscent of being as fucked up as I was 21 years ago. I was searching then for whatever it is that I am searching for now. Part of that searching is taking something to escape.
I feel like I need to shut down and keep myself away from everyone. It feels like I am crossing the line towards self destruction again. At least it’s how it feels. Its what i am thinking, I want to go and bury this deep overwhelming crappy feeling by just gettting high and wasted.

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