Sometimes the feelings of emptiness are overwhelming. Today that’s how I feel. Empty, useless, pointless.
It would be nice to have something to do. I have a house to clean, children to look after and a husband who relies on me to get the shopping done and make sure that the house is run properly.
But I hate it. I’ve hated this role since my first marriage and now I’m stuck doing it again because I’ve got fuck all to offer anyone.
I’ve got a few qualifications but nothing that will get me a job that pays well enough to make it worthwhile going. I need to earn about what my husband earns if we were to break even. We would lose all the child tax credits and the housing benefit we are currently entitled to. So I’m screwed.
Then there’s the fact that I am mentally a mess. I can’t concentrate, can’t work out one thought from the next. I rely on meds just to get out of the house sometimes. I get anxiety attacks when I feel overwhelmed.
I feel so trapped. I’m feeling overwhelmed by the lack of anything I can contribute. My head is full of nonsense and I’ve got nothing else going for me. Just to get better.
I don’t want to feel like this but I don’t know how to get out of it. I want to learn and do something useful but it’s like my brain has forgotten how to function. It feels dead.
I don’t live. I just exist.