The nights have become long and lonesome again. I have temporarily run out of zopiclone and am not allowed any more until tomorrow. So for the past week I have relied on nytol in copious amounts and my favourite, co-codamol not to mention a small amount of alcohol.
But the nights have been anything other than restful and I am exhausted. I started off by distracting myself from the hideous thoughts that invade my mind and tried to distance and challenge them. Communicating them seems to be hard. I can’t find the right words nor do I know who to turn to and tell. I feel pathetic and consumed by failings, by my past and by the lack of certainty and security that is in my life.
Yesterday I realised in talking to a friend that the mistakes i made and that got me suspended were still something which I couldn’t guarantee I wouldn’t do on a bad day.
Getting well is something which is of paramount importance to my family, my children’s school and those who are looking after me within the mental health team. But within this I feel like I have just put on a brand new mask and that I am faking my way through this whole process.
I’ve been trying to get an appointment since November to see the psychiatrist. I really need to discuss my meds but it’s been fruitless and I’ve given up. Changing means I’m not going to be able to make any changes for the time being and am going to be lumbered with weekly scripts and meds which I don’t think are helping me.
I feel completely powerless right now. I’m frustrated with what I can’t do. With my limitations and lack or real progress over the past two years. I’m perhaps more aware of my illness and can now see at times when I’m being unreasonable. But I feel like I am in a vicious circle and I want off now.
I’ve literally just done what I have always done to survive. Buried my problems so deep that the only time they are vivid is at night when I am trying to sleep, either in the form of nightmares or flashbacks. I don’t talk about anything, I have pushed it all to the back of my mind and I am working on keeping my family together. It’s important but it means I’m not dealing with the things that caused all this in the first place. I can’t even write about it any more.
I feel ashamed by my inability to manage my mental health and how it makes me feel. The desire to hide away from the world grows greater by the day. I can’t cope with being on my own for too long because my mind just goes to places I really don’t want to go.
I remember my nightmares, they are so vivid and scary that I am doing anything to avoid them. But in return for that I am more exhausted and this sinking, drowning feeling is beginning to grow stronger.
The only thing which is completely different is that I have some good friends. People who I can tell that I’m feeling low. I’ve never had that before. But as much as I know they are there, I can’t bear to tell them the things that I dream about or how fucked up my head feels. I don’t want to burden them with my stupid past when they are dealing with more pressing things.I don’t want to let them down, I don’t want to let my family down. But I feel like I’m letting everyone down.
I’ve little over 6months until I’m 36 and I’m still a raging mess with no real future. I’m scared of everything. I’m anxious and paranoid. My moods are so unpredictable. I’m still getting to know what triggers me and I’m still having panic attacks and avoiding going out unless I have to. I really don’t know what I have achieved.