Day 17/30 – What if

There are so many “what ifs” that I could write about.

But what if I hadn’t been left to the care of nanny’s and child minders? What if I had never been touched as a child and grown up without any of that happening?

I would like to think that I would be really close to my mother and siblings. That my education wasn’t a disaster and that I achieved whatever it was that I wanted to do.

It would be nice to think that I would have been more settled with myself. When I was younger I always imagined having my own place and how I would have set it up. I would have wanted to travel. I’ve got loads of things that interest me and have been possible career paths. It would be nice to think that I would have followed one of these and made a success of it.

I probably wouldn’t have had a baby at 18, I would have been more focused on building a secure life for myself. I’m fiercely independent and I think that this would be more apparent if i didn’t have all my issues.

But this is when my what if makes me feel sad because I wouldn’t want to not have my children. If my what ifs had happened I wouldn’t know the people I do know, I wouldn’t be me. And although I may dislike many aspects of my life and past, i feel that it’s these experiences and the people who have come and gone or still here who have shaped the person I have become.

What if I wasn’t sick? Chances are I would have completed the social work degree and would now be working in a job which was unfulfilling to me. I would be searching for a way out. More training. Chances are I’d be miserable and feel trapped by the life I had created for myself.

What if I wasn’t married? This one is more loaded because whilst I do love my husband I know that i would chose not to be tied down. Right now this is a big part of how I am feeling and my identity. But I wouldn’t want to be without my husband regardless of the what ifs.

I spend more of my life not thinking of the what ifs because although life is hard the way it is, I can’t imagine my life being any other way. Even my mental health is something which I think I need to have as frustrating as it is. But I think that all the things that have happened and where I am today were all meant to be.

Inside I am a fighter, I’ve been through a lot and seen more than many people do in their entire lives and I’m really not all that far through mine. I think that the important things in life are those things I’ve had to deal with so far. I’m far from being anywhere near the person I desire to be, but I wouldn’t want to lose what I have gained and learnt.

I feel crazy to say that, but given the alternative roads and possibilities it’s hard to imagine being any happier. The fact is I’ve got my amazing kids and a husband who loves me. I wouldn’t want to lose them for anything and if being mentally vulnerable and dependent is part of my journey then there are no what ifs possible.

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