Rucksack

This heavy feeling I can only describe as being like a massive rucksack which is so big and cumbersome. I long to just take it off, empty it of its contents and only take the lighter items I need for this journey.

It’s weighing me down heavily today. But I’m not sure what it is that has become so unbearably heavy and making things so hard.

I have been researching borderline personality on and off for the past 16 months, trying to find some understanding and some peace with such a diagnosis. I’ve found lots of articles which are laced with academic words which my brain cannot process.

I’ve read countless blogs of those who either are unfortunate enough to have the same diagnosis or who have the unfortunate roller-coaster ride with a loved one.

I have researched the medication I am on, the differences between anti-depressants, serotonin, dopamine, anti-psychotics etc.

The aim of all this, to find a way to lighten my rucksack. To find a way forward that I makes sense, that is doable and which will just give me some small glimmer of hope.

What I have found is that anti-depressants have been found not to work for people with borderline personality disorder. They have helped some, but generally these people only have traits of Bpd.

More commonly anti-psychotics are used along with something else which right at this moment escapes my mind.

Dialectal behaviour therapy is also a big part of the treatment. Basically a programme by which those with this diagnosis can learn how to manage symptoms. Retrain the brain on how to deal with feelings, emotions and thoughts. To somehow undo past learnt behaviours which are unhealthy and destructive and replace them with something is safe and healthy. To be honest it’s not special to those with bpd, it could be used for anyone at anytime.

But dbt just doesn’t provide the solution to dealing with voices and flashbacks. It doesn’t solve deep seeded issues. In order for it to be of any help I personally think you need to be in a place where you have become more stable.

I’m frustrated and pissed off right now because I am just riding round in circles.

The other night my husband watched me take my meds and said he hadn’t realised how much I had to take. I hate feeling like I’m living my life right now reliant on this little round shaped chemicals which are meant to somehow make me feel ok. I don’t feel ok. Not in the slightest bit.

The rucksack of mine is filled with triggers, memories, nightmares and flashbacks. It’s filled with disappointment and failure. Caused by me or done to me.

Somewhere inside this bag is a map and the tools to get through this journey, but they are rusty and broken, the maps are confusing. So many twists and turns that I’ve got no idea where I am any more.

I am frustrated and angry because I have no idea how to put into words what’s going on in my head. One thing I’m really tired of is being made to feel that I have every single answer to my problems and that it’s all down to me.

But how can I do this when I feel triggered all the time. That the life I’m currently having to live is a trigger in itself. I want to explain better than this but I’m not ready to go there. I’ve written it in the past, but in order to get the words out I have to be in the right place and I know I’m not.

I’m losing my ability to communicate effectively how I’m feeling, what I’m thinking. I wish I had the words, wish that I could share all this with someone, but everytime I get close to spilling it i feel the walls go up and I hide away again.

Seriously, right now I just want to shut the world up, I want to scream loudly. I’m really agitated. I feel paranoid and anxious. I feel like no one understands how I’m feeling….but how can they when I can’t explain it…

This rucksack has been shaken around so much that who knows what the fuck is in it. Who knows what tools I have or anything? I’m so tired I just don’t want to do this any more.

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