Messy

Messiness is just all around me. The house, the finances and more difficult my head.

Today I have avoided answering the phone because I know it’s people wanting me to pay off the debt I owe. I know that i can’t put it off forever but I just can’t deal with them today. We have no money and I can’t offer them anything so there’s no point.

The mess in the house is the usual washing up, laundry, kids room etc. It just feels overwhelming. I hate the mess but it just makes me so anxious and my head hurt trying to figure out where the hell to start. On top of this I’m not feeling physically well.

I think I’m dehydrated as I have most of the symptoms. I’ve been trying to drink lots but it’s not really helping too much. I should probably go to the dr but I couldn’t face it today. I just don’t want to have to make the effort to get dressed and go out. I just want to hide…at least until next week when the kids go back to school and normal daily routine is back in play.

My head being a mess is more complicated (isn’t it always). I’m not really sure where to even start with it. I feel stupidly lonely, I’m really bored, I’m fed up. Just really feel like I’ve had enough. Nothing is straightforward. Ideas are there, plans are being incompletely formed and I am just incapable of deciphering what they are. They seem to be unrealistic and stupid. I’ve got dreams and ambitions but I am also in this place where I just want to let go completely.

I’ve worn this mask and tried to be more focused and get on with things as I always have but now there is this massively strong urge to stop. Breakdown. I’m so tired and feel like I’ve used all my mental and emotional strength to get through christmas and the new year.

The loneliness is really quite consuming too. I’m really agitated and impatient. Noises irritate me easily. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t even explain it properly which is frustrating too. Everything is frustrating. Grrrrrrrrr

I wish that there was a switch that I could use to turn my brain off. I’d like to have a day where I can just get on without my head getting in the way. People don’t seem to understand that the thoughts that race round zap all my energy. I literally get so overwhelmed by everything around me that I just can’t do anything. I flit from one thing to another not really getting anything done.

I try using the dbt skills such as distancing and challenging but I think I’ve maybe overdone it because I can’t even do that right now. Distracting is another thing but there’s nothing I can do to distract right now so I feel royally screwed.

Twitter has been a great outlet for me and I have used it frequently in the past to vent out immediate feelings and thoughts just to give myself a small amount of respite. But for the past few weeks I’ve not even been able to do that. I’m still tweeting but I’m not saying much. I just can’t seem to find the right words to explain myself and this in turn makes me feel angry and annoyed with myself.

How can I possibly hope to deal with the mess in my head if I can’t communicate it? I feel completely trapped by the insane nonsense that’s charging around inside my ridiculous brain. It’s not even like I’m dwelling on things because I’m really not. I just feel this all encompassing sense of doom. It’s all dark, scary and incredibly lonely.

Existing is tiresome to say the least.

In a conversation with my husband before Christmas he said he wanted us to stop this whole thing of just existing and to start living. I want this more than anything but I really don’t know what the difference is. Have I just existed to this point in my life and not truly lived?

Surely this shouldn’t be as complicated or difficult to figure out?

Perhaps this feels much worse than it really is because I am feeling physically unwell. Maybe it will not seem so bad then.

I don’t think this makes any sense, I’m not even sure what it is that I am trying to say. I’m not suicidal right now but I just don’t really know how to live either. It feels so hard. I want to scream so loud, I want to just get away from the mess and difficulty with money and just…. I don’t know. Lose myself. Let go. Have some time and space. Figure things out without having everyone else to consider. Bury myself in drugs and alcohol just to numb this feeling inside that i can’t explain.

I’m just so unhappy deep inside and I don’t know what to do… Curling up and crying feels like a good option right now.

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