I don’t really talk too much about my symptoms with borderline personality disorder, but I’ve decided that I need to talk about it more so I can work on things. I have to face facts that as much as I hate the diagnosis, the stigma, ignorance and misunderstanding that surrounds BPD, I do have it and quite obviously too.
A few days ago my husband and I had a little row. He said he didn’t like something and I took it personally. I got really upset and hurt by his comment and became a complete bitch. I got so worked up and the thoughts in my head went at a million miles an hour.
Inside I felt like he had implied that he didn’t like me which then set off all these thoughts of not being good enough, that he was going to find someone else and leave me and that I was a bad person and that no one likes me. These are just a few of those thoughts, but I remember it being like a domino effect. As soon as one thought was triggered another one was triggered until it got to the point that I was wanting to cut or take an overdose.
Hubby and I sorted things out fairly quickly because my daughter had her friend here and it was dinner time. Usually it wouldn’t have been so simple and I would probably have done something stupid.
The thing though was that my husband was calm and collected and very reasonable in what he was saying and although I was all upset and being a cunt he didn’t react badly. He seemed slightly resigned to my outburst. As our conversation continued its like a bit of my brain woke up and could hear how idiotic and pathetic I was being.
I have never really been so aware of my bpd in the middle of something before, it’s more a case of after the event when I reflect and can see and think more clearly. But this time I could suddenly hear my words and how ridiculous they sounded. I was being unfair on him and somewhat petulant and all these ideas of him leaving and not being good enough became excessive and dumb even to me.
I could literally hear a voice inside my head going “shut the fuck up you complete moron”. Now I know that this is not a special thing associated with mental illness. What is different is that with my bpd I don’t hear them in the heat of the moment and I am certainly not sitting there thinking “oh, this comment has triggered this thought which in turn has triggered this feeling and that urge….” But was suddenly aware that I was being highly irrational and that my reaction was not me but bpd. I never blame my behaviour of my mental illness. But it was suddenly as clear as day that this was exactly what was causing this reaction.
I have sat with this incident for the past few days and tried to make sense of it. I have to admit that I have never thought of any of my reactions as being so idiotic or over the top. And I’ve not really considered it from someone else’s viewpoint before, not completely. But as I have mulled this over and considered all that my husband said I can’t help but feel a huge amount of embarrassment for being so stupid and I have this urge to hit myself round the head to knock some sense into it!
I am somewhat relieved that I came to my senses quickly and that we avoided it becoming something bigger than it needed to to be. But, I am also wary of what caused such a reaction and where my thoughts go and how quickly they develop. In contemplating my behaviour I have realised that I am triggered very easily by many things. It doesn’t even have to be a big thing…I get anxious and paranoid very easily and I work myself up into a mental head storm so fast that I don’t realise it. I just travel to that place really quickly.
It’s quite scary to realise that I react so quickly and blindly to things and I can’t help but feel that I am safer not saying too much to anyone or going out. I’m less likely to have a bizarre reaction. But why am I so sensitive to things?
Yes, I’ve had some traumatic experiences during my life and inside I don’t think too much of myself. But does that really cause my head to think in the way it does? Do all these past experiences amount to irrational thinking and overreacting? I don’t really know how to process this. I like to think that I am actually fairly level headed, sensible and thoughtful person, but I am not so sure.
This row with my hubby isn’t the first big overreaction I’ve had and realised. I had a much bigger one back at the end of August/September time. I believe that at the time I had been fairly manic and that it was part of that. My behaviour had been very out of character for me and it got to a breaking point. There were other people involved in the mess that I was and I am grateful that they are all still talking to me! But it is literally only from taking a step back from it that I am able to see more clearly what was perhaps going on and pinpoint certain behaviours with moods etc.
With all this reflecting and trying to make sense of things, I can’t help but feel that I am a complete nut job. I can only think of one word to sum up these two incidences as psychotic…I was a psycho. I ceased to see sense or to be me and these thoughts and voices just took over. I don’t know if this makes any sense to anyone.
It’s hard to admit these things. I’m hard on myself at the best of times and I’m certain there will be people who read this who will say “you are not psychotic”. But what if I am….what if when I am triggered that’s what is happening? Could this be the case?
As I said earlier I get triggered easily by the smallest of things, do I react badly to all those little things too? I don’t remember everything, I have blanks in my memory and I couldn’t say one way or another if i didn’t overreact every time. Some of my thoughts though that I can recall can be disturbing. They can be violent or destructive to those around me in some manner and I am worried about it.