There are so many things I could talk about. Thoughts and feelings racing around that perhaps need to be released. But as you all know life is fluid. Although my head has got some stuff that would be good to get out, there’s a lot happening right now here in the present which is causing me anxiety.
Christmas is two weeks away and I’m flat broke. I don’t mean that in a I’d we dig deep we will find the money ‘. We are literally penniless. Every single penny we have has got to go towards our rent and all the other bills. We have had to ask the school to give us a voucher for one of the local food banks. We have no money for any Christmas presents. I’m being taken to a place in Saturday where I’m being allowed to choose a couple of toys for my two younger children.
My eldest has said she will go without anything if it means that we can keep the magic of Christmas alive for the little ones another year. I know that they don’t understand how poor we are right now. I’ve literally had no money to buy washing powder or even bread. It’s been hell. I’m barely eating and the kids aren’t eating much either. We are rationing soap, loo paper, bread, milk etc. It’s crazy because my husband earns a really decent wage and this shouldn’t be happening. He earns about 11,000 more than he did a decade a go except we are in a worse position than ever.
My son’s 8th birthday falls on the 6th Jan, it’s another thing which needs money that we don’t have. It’s depressing and makes both my husband and I feel like failures. We both feel like we are walking charity cases and feel so bad because whilst we have no money we do have a roof over our heads and we have each other. So we are rich from that point of view.
For me personally, this time of year is hard anyway. Things just seem to trigger at the drop of a hat. I’m trying to keep focused on the here and now, and for the most part I’m doing this.
For the past week or so I’ve been feeling this insane energy inside. It’s not the kind of energy I want though, it feels like it’s nervous energy. I’m feeling a little more outgoing and getting to a point where I would probably take risks that I wouldn’t when I’m feeling really depressed. This is the part of me which my psychiatrist seems unwilling to discuss with me. It’s already been a week of this. My head is fairly clear, I did budgeting last weekend which I’ve not been able to do for about 18 months. It’s just been too much. I’ve also stopped feeling the scared anxiety about going to the shops or appts. Instead I feel this anxious, urgent need to get things done, quickly and as organised as possible. I am hating how disorganised we are and the mess the house is in.
I find this mood hard to explain because I feel so alive yet I’m also feeling like I’m being dragged down. Its a confusing and frustrating place to be and I’m not sure how long this will last for.
With Christmas just round the corner I am hoping that I can just stabilise with this mood as at least things will get done and it means I feel sociable. A good time of ever there was one. Also desperately want the psychiatrist to see me and accept that this is happening and not continue playing this stupid game where it’s just one thing based solely on the previous 2 years. I’ve got 35 years worth of life experience. Surely it all counts?!
Anyway, I’m off as I am feeling all achey and sore with a cold. Meds are kicking in and I think I’ve rambled on enough.