Doubt and fear

Inside I feel so alone and lost. Outside I know that there are people who love and care about me. But although I know they are there, right now there is no one here other than me and my thoughts. My crazy thoughts that no one else can see or hear.

I am doped up on meds and probably won’t remember writing this but I need to just let go of this horrible feeling I have inside.

I feel lost inside. I’ve become adept once more at wearing a mask to hide how unwell I am feeling. I am pushing myself harder and harder with the determination that these meds I’m on will do the trick.

I guess the term they would use for me when I’m with it is ‘high functioning’. I know that I’m not this right now but if I keep pushing I can probably get there.

This is good Right?! Something to celebrate and aim for.

But I know that this is not good. I know that faking my way through every day starts to build this inner doubt and increase sense of fear about myself. I become lost and confused. I no longer can differentiate between what’s the mask and what isn’t. It becomes a tangled web of different thoughts and feelings which are so intertwined that I’m not sure which person I am.

This may sound crazy…but here goes. Tidying is something which I was exceptionally good at doing when I was little. I didn’t like mess and I liked to tidy up because my mum would praise me. As I grew older it started to annoy me that I was expected to be this tidy upper and only got praise for that. So I rebelled and became untidy until such point I couldn’t stand the mess and would clean it up. I would go into a fantasy world, I’d change my name and where the house was, my popularity and the things that had happened in my room. I’d pretend that my life was different. And the person I am was no longer me….

I’ve done this for years and years. I do it for all sorts of things. Not just cleaning.
Recently this other world, this other person I can’t find and it scares me that I can’t find her. I don’t know if it’s the meds or if because my mental health is being looked at that I find it can’t find her. She was organised and energetic. Made sense out of chaos and had a plan for any minor crisis that might have arisen.

I’m feeling lost without that person and crave for her to come back. Life was liveable when she was here. I don’t know how I am meant to do all this without her.

I feel insane writing this. I’m not explaining it very well but I don’t really know how to. How do I explain that there’s this person inside of me that takes over and I can manage with her taking charge.  I’m not a fruitcake. I’m not in need of hospitalisation. I don’t want to die at the moment.  I don’t want to cut so badly right now either.

I don’t want to freak people out. I don’t talk about her because I’ve shared so much already and just wanted one thing to be just mine without having to explain it.

December is a triggering month as are the weeks following Christmas. There is so much to do and think about and I’m not sure how I can do that without the help of the other me…the stronger one.

I know I’m annoying at the best of times. I know that I don’t always make sense and this post is probably one of the least sensical.

My meds are truly kicking in. Can barely stay awake.

I’m trying every day to keep myself together.

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2 thoughts on “Doubt and fear

  1. I feel like there are multiple versions of me as well and I too have the high functioning persona who goes to appointments and makes everything look alright. Sometimes my high functioning person gets pushed to the max and burns out so I attempt to take over. Maybe that’s what is happening with you. Whatever it is I hope you get it back.

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    • Thank you for commenting and sharing your own experience. I think that you are possibly right about having been pushed to the max. Its been a full on few months mentally with lots of people being involved and I’ve had to pull myself together. It’s comforting to read what you wrote and makes me feel less alone as well as giving me something to consider. Thank you. X

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