Triggered by the time of year

Lots of people have problems with December. Financially, relationship, work, exams etc. It’s a tough time and no doubt there are hundreds of thousands of people feeling how I feel.

I’ve never really sat and thought about why this time of year is so hard. I just seem to have accepted that it is and that I will just have to do my best to get through it. I’ve spent some time thinking about it for a change.

It’s the time of year where there are just anniversary after anniversary of things that have happened. It’s like a magnet drawing all negativity to it and just adding more year upon year.

Inside I feel like the darkness is getting ready to swallow me again. I am sleeping but it’s all drug induced and I have vivid dreams and nightmares. There are so many things about this time of year which trigger me. I’ve not really noticed before, but I have this real sense of doom. A black hole full of dread and continuing rejection.

Talking about the past is something which I have come to find hard again. The fact that I am not always stoned and am more sober than ever probably plays a big part in this. But because I’m sober I find it too painful to discuss the things I’d like to. I feel tongue tied and I can’t even type some of the words because it’s too horrible.

As a child my last great Christmas was when I was 7. From the following year something always happened. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t all doom and gloom but the idyllic Christmas’s we had as a family were no longer there. It became painful. I’ve managed to have some good times since then, but generally I find it a period where it’s all faked and this sense of neverending doom just makes itself right at home.

At the moment I am really tired. I’m struggling with my thoughts and emotions. I’m doing my best to keep myself together but it’s proving harder than it had been for a while.

I’m trying to keep focused on the therapy I attend and the little things that need to be done. Yesterday and today (so far)  I just don’t want to know.  Think hibernating is the best option at the moment.

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2 thoughts on “Triggered by the time of year

  1. I’m sorry this is such a hard time of year for you. I find other times of year difficult and it can be hard when you’re trying to forget about what has happened before, yet at the same time, every year, without fail, everything falls apart. It’s ok though, it will pass and hopefully you’ll manage to find a way in the future to feel better. Sending hope and hugs your way, x

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    • Thank you for reading my blog and writing to me. This is the first year I’ve actually acknowledged that this is a difficult time of year. There are other times which I am really aware are bad times and I am learning to work through those times. I hope that you dont have too many times during the year when things are tough. However, I agree these times do pass and finding a way to manage is an importnant part of feeling better. Sending you huge thanks and big hugs. Take care xxx

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