Lots of people have problems with December. Financially, relationship, work, exams etc. It’s a tough time and no doubt there are hundreds of thousands of people feeling how I feel.
I’ve never really sat and thought about why this time of year is so hard. I just seem to have accepted that it is and that I will just have to do my best to get through it. I’ve spent some time thinking about it for a change.
It’s the time of year where there are just anniversary after anniversary of things that have happened. It’s like a magnet drawing all negativity to it and just adding more year upon year.
Inside I feel like the darkness is getting ready to swallow me again. I am sleeping but it’s all drug induced and I have vivid dreams and nightmares. There are so many things about this time of year which trigger me. I’ve not really noticed before, but I have this real sense of doom. A black hole full of dread and continuing rejection.
Talking about the past is something which I have come to find hard again. The fact that I am not always stoned and am more sober than ever probably plays a big part in this. But because I’m sober I find it too painful to discuss the things I’d like to. I feel tongue tied and I can’t even type some of the words because it’s too horrible.
As a child my last great Christmas was when I was 7. From the following year something always happened. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t all doom and gloom but the idyllic Christmas’s we had as a family were no longer there. It became painful. I’ve managed to have some good times since then, but generally I find it a period where it’s all faked and this sense of neverending doom just makes itself right at home.
At the moment I am really tired. I’m struggling with my thoughts and emotions. I’m doing my best to keep myself together but it’s proving harder than it had been for a while.
I’m trying to keep focused on the therapy I attend and the little things that need to be done. Yesterday and today (so far) I just don’t want to know. Think hibernating is the best option at the moment.