It’s been awhile since I have felt able to write anything. Even now I am not really sure what I need or want to write. A lot has happened over the course of the past month and trying to work out what it is I’m thinking and feeling seems impossible at times.

I’ve been emotionally and mentally all over the place but with an undercurrent of constant low mood preventing me from feeling any real highs.

I decided a couple of weeks ago to see my GP and have a discussion about the anti-depressants that I am currently prescribed. I’ve had for months a constant shakiness, muscle spasms, lethargy and increase in headaches and dizziness. I believed that these were being caused by the citalopram and venlafaxine. They both work on serotonin levels and I felt like I was overloaded. My moods were literally all over the place, shifting around in the space of a few minutes. The kids and my hubby noticed this too so I knew that it wasn’t all in my head!

Looking at my file with the gp, there was a big red highlighted bit which warned of adverse drug reaction between the two anti-depressants I’m on. My gp agreed that I could have the venlafaxine increased to 300mg and reduce the citalopram from 40mg to 20mg. What she was unable to do was change it to a monthly prescription. So I’m stuck with weekly ones until I see the psychiatrist again.

It’s been two weeks since we changes the dosage and although the first week was pretty horrific with side effects from both increase and reduction, the second week has been a lot better. I don’t feel as unwell as I have done and I am really hopeful that I will see some more improvement with my general mood.

Amongst the meds general life continues. Many things have happened and trying to deal with it all has taken an enormous amount of energy and pushing myself when I’ve just wanted to hibernate.

I’ve struggled to talk and express myself. Got tongue tied and felt lost in the midst of everything going on around me and what’s happening for me mentally. Even now I’m still struggling to adequately find words that make sense and that can somehow explain what’s happening, what my thoughts and feelings are.

I am hoping that perhaps by dipping my toes back into writing this post that maybe it will help me to find my words and voice again.

I don’t want to shut myself down again, I know it doesn’t help me to keep things inside. It ends up tearing me apart inside and then screws up everything around me.

Essentially I am not in the bad space that I have been in. But I am not in a good place either. I’m stuck.

Thanks to those of you who have stuck with me, given me support and not lost interest. It means a lot to have anyone read my words, relate, share comments and experiences with me. I’m truly grateful to you all.


5 thoughts on “FROM NOV 2014

  1. So so proud of you for writing this, a very honest and heartfelt post! You are clearly going through a very tough time, and I your brain is struggling to deal with the overload of pressure and stimulation. But, you should be very proud of the progress you’re making. Just surviving is a big thing, never mind changing meds! Also, although I am sad to hear you are not well, I am very relieved to hear you are not awful either. With BPD, sometimes it really is about just riding the waves and currents and waiting. You’re doing great, though 🙂


    • Thank you! I was really scared writing this. Its not always easy to see the progress when it feels like I’ve taken steps backwards. It isn’t easy to find the words at the moment but i am pushing myself to write because I feel that I will explode if i don’t say something. Your friendship and support means such a lot. Thank you for just being there. I know we all have our own roller-coasters to master, but I truly appreciate everything. You are a wonderful friend and have helped to keep me going. Thank you :Dx


    • Awww that’s very sweet. I hope you are doing ok?? Its been a bumpy ride recently but I’m trying to let things out again!! X


      • Yeah, things have been getting better. I’ve made changes that I never would of seen coming a year ago, but I feel happier. Writing helps. Look forward to reading your posts! Enjoy your weekend. xox


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