Up and down over and over again. Life just feels like I am on the end of a string which gets pulled up and then falls back down suddenly. Then the string gets loose and can’t be pulled back up and eventually becomes just a tangled mess.
For a little bit I have been feeling so much better. I’ve felt a little more in control of my moods, I’ve managed panic attacks and haven’t craved co-codamol as much. So much so I was able to go for about 60 hours without them. The withdrawal was too much so I had to take one.
I don’t know what happened on Thursday. I went for counselling but it wasn’t bad. I felt fine. But it’s all just started to feel bad as the afternoon progressed. Yesterday I did what I had to do and there were moments I felt ok. But my mood just didn’t lift. The internal feelings just won’t go away. I can’t shake them off no matter what I try.
Last week it was confirmed that I am not entitled to ESA. This just leaves a huge burden on my husband’s shoulders. I feel so guilty that I am not bringing any money in to help with the cost of providing for our 3 children. Instead I just create debt and mess up with the bills which just creates more headaches. I used to be so organised and capable of budgeting, ensuring that all the bills were paid, that no direct debits would bounce and now, well it’s just a mess.
I have been looking at jobs, but there’s so little in can do with my current qualifications not to mention the fact that deep inside, no matter how guilty I feel or bored I feel, I know I am not well enough to hold down any job, qualified or not.
The instability of my moods is always playing on my mind. I don’t know from one minute to the next how I am going to be feeling. My reactions and emotions are so unpredictable and extreme that it’s impossible to arrange anything. It’s all left to the last-minute because much more than that and it becomes overwhelming. Hence part of the reason I can’t work right now.
My psychotherapist reassures me all the time that not working right now is OK. That at the moment I need to focus on my mental health and get things into some kind of order that I can manage.
My psychiatrist believes I’ve given up and that I don’t try. Sometimes I feel that maybe I have, but then I think about what I do try to do. The effort it takes to get up and get my kids back to school every day, going to appointments, food shopping, having to make phone calls about bills etc, making small talk with people I bump into and some days just washing my hair and cleaning my teeth. I try every single day as best as I can no matter how desperately unwell I feel because I am a mother and a wife.
It hurts that people think I don’t try, that being negative with what I say is wrong. That my reactions to things are wrong. I constantly question myself about what I am feeling. Is this normal? Am I reacting like a freak? Do I need to calm down or is it OK that I feel angry?
This yoyo effect means I never know where I am. I feel like somewhere along the road I missed the lesson on how to manage feelings, thoughts and emotions. I wonder when this all started and how the hell did I manage to make it so far without being so unpredictable with everything.
I’m very confused about who I am. Just when I think I know who I am it all disintegrates again and I’ve really no idea what to think or what to feel. I cannot find the words to describe this feeling inside of me. I have ideas and then something happens and it’s all change. Classic bpd apparently. What I do know is that right now I feel empty. I don’t want to talk about my past. I don’t want to open myself up any more.
I’m scared of where I am right now. I don’t know how I got back to this place. I told my counsellor that I didn’t want counselling but that I knew I needed it. She’s not going to let me walk away which is what I feel want right now. I just don’t know what to say any more.
I’m rebuilding my marriage, I am trying to be a better mum, more engaged with them and it is working. But inside I feel empty, I feel lost and confused. I am angry and paranoid. Anxious and alone. I feel that there’s no one I can talk to right now about all of this. In part because I don’t know what to say, but there’s also no one I feel that I can tell.
I want to curl up and cry. I have voices and urges telling me to hurt myself. I am stoned now on co-codamol because it makes the voices a little quieter. But the urges are strong. I’m fighting them…
I don’t want to be attached to this yoyo any more. I want to have some direction. I want to control my thoughts and feelings. I want all the intense emotions to stop. How can I feel empty yet have all these insane emotions fighting to take over. One after another after another. There’s no respite. Just on and on and on I go, round and round.
I can’t take this any more. I’m boring, annoying, pathetic. I’m a loser. I am weak and rubbish…I am very stoned…