Day 16/30 Things you would like to say to an ex

It says an ex, but I have two whom I would like to say something to.

The first is the father of my first child and the first boy I ‘loved’.

To A.,

You were like my soul mate, the best friend anyone could wish for. You made me laugh uncontrollably, we got ourselves into all sorts of jams and managed to find a way of getting ourselves out of trouble. You made me feel safe and happy. Accepted and I loved spending time with you just listening to music.

But there was also that incredible sexual chemistry that got us into so much trouble. It was addictive and fun, I know that we both found it hard to resist and failed more times than we succeeded.

Despite all this, you turned out to be a nasty piece of work. Someone who I came to not recognise. You became selfish, your ego taking over. You didn’t see me and our daughter for what we were and you trampled all over us. Your behaviour was scary and not something I ever thought you were capable of being.

I know you loved me. I know that at times what we had was good, but why did you turn your back on me and our baby? Why was it ok to make contact on your terms and expect to be included in her life. Its been almost 16 years since you saw her. She is beautiful, inside and out. BUT you had nothing to do with it. You believed the bullshit your family told you and let something so amazing slip through your fingers.

You didn’t have to love me and be with me, but you could have accepted the truth that she was your daughter and be a father to her. Love her and cherish her and take pride in something that you were a part of. YOU have no rights to this now. She doesn’t need or want you in her life. She doesn’t need someone who comes and goes as they please, who can’t control their temper and who is more concerned with meeting their own needs than being generous and caring.

What happened to that boy I knew? Why did you change so much? Where did you go?

I hope that you will always remember that you had a chance to be a father to your eldest daughter, I never stopped you. You were the one who walked away. You were the selfish one and you are the one who has ultimately lost out.

 

The second Ex to write to is my ex husband.

To L.,

This is so much harder to write because you caused me so much harm. I never saw it at the time, I never realised what was happening. Even now I don’t understand it.

I tried to be a good wife to you, I loved you and wanted our marriage to work. But you were so unkind and vicious. You scared me when you slammed your fist into the door or wall just by my head. You called me nasty things, you were unpleasant when people came round and so they stopped. You didn’t like me going out, you didn’t support me when I tried to work to help with money. I was just a pain, you hated it. You shouted at me, made it impossible and so I had to give it up whilst you got us into debt with you horrible skunk.

You made me feel I wasn’t good enough for anyone, you were allowed a life, but I wasn’t. I was to be at home tied to the kitchen sink, there are your beck and call. You hurt me again and again and again. You made me feel worthless and empty, made me believe that no one else would want me.

My home became a prison and I came to believe that everything you said was true. You destroyed me by the things you said and the way you were. I walked on eggshells every day, I was scared when you came home from work because I never knew what to expect. I panicked a lot and became fearful of everyone and everything. Nothing was ever right. You put me down, you were indifferent to the child who called you daddy and knew only of you as a father. You were cruel to us both.

You are one of the reasons I am scared at night now, why I am scared of my own shadow. I still walk on eggshells because I walked on them for so long I no longer know how not to. I have shrunk inside myself and lost my voice. I find it hard to trust men more than ever and that is your fault. The strong 20-year-old girl you met, you destroyed her daily, bit by bit with your emotional and violent abuse and then your sexual abuse. You never cared about me, you lied from the moment we met until the day you finally left.

I was so relieved when you walked out the door and later told me you wanted a divorce. I never cheated on you, I was loyal and faithful to you from the minute we got together. You were sleeping with another girl within the first couple of weeks after we split up.

There are so many things I would like to say but just don’t think that you are worth bothering with. I think that you are a cunt. I think you always were but I was blind to seeing that.

You once wrote me a Christmas card where you said that you were sorry, that you missed me  and that you did love us both….You were sorry for how you behaved and what you said. Well, I don’t forgive you for what you did. I don’t forgive you because you scarred not just me, but my beautiful innocent little girl who cannot talk about that time. You are a bastard through and through. You made me feel sad for you, told me all about this tough life you had led and made me want to make your life better. What a fool I was to believe all your lies.

Well, I am glad you left. Glad you chose your disgusting drugs over me. Life may not be perfect now but it is a thousand times better than it ever was with you. I hope that you never have to feel all those things you made me feel, but I also hope that you never hurt another person in the way that you hurt me and my little girl. We have managed fine without you and we will continue to do so. We never really needed you in the first place and the fact you left meant that our house became a safe place to be again and we were finally free. The day you left was the best gift you could have ever given us and for that, thank you.

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