Day 15/30 Your reflection in the mirror

TRIGGER WARNING – Scars from self harming – Pics towards the end.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!

Nothing that I like.

My hair is dark colour which when the light shines on it is purple. I like my hair colour. I have an eyebrow piercing on the left side and my tongue is pierced. I have lots of ear piercings too and when I look in the mirror I feel that the desired look is unfinished. I also want to get my lip pierced.

I have a scar on my forehead above my right eyebrow where I had a nightmare and scratched myself. I also have a scar above my lip which is from a fight I got into when I was 13. Took ages to heal and took a small bit from the top of my lip. I also have a birth mark on my forehead which becomes more visible when I am not well, otherwise you can’t see it.

My face is thinner than it used to be and I can see that I no longer have the fat cheeks I did have. But I don’t like looking at myself as I feel that I am really ugly. I don’t wear makeup because I am just not a girly girl, but I do take care of my skin so I don’t look 35 – which i am thankful for!

I used to have no collar bones, they were hidden by the layers of fat that I had, now I have collar bones which kind of sometimes make me feel better about myself, my arms are skinnier than they were and I can see that I have lost a lot of the fat….but then the rest of my body just makes me feel huge. I hate it. I can’t bear to look in the mirror.

My arms have scars from where i have cut and picked. My stomach has hot water bottle burns which are horrible and wont matter how thin I could get, I will never wear a bikini.

These two pics are what my stomach looks like now.

wpid-dsc_0274.jpg                               wpid-dsc_0272.jpg

Sorry if they upset anyone…

I hate the way I look. I know I have lost weight, but at the same time I still see a huge person looking back at me. I try to rationalise it to myself, but there is always something which will make me see myself differently.

I admit that I avoid looking in the mirror because I despise what I see. I truly think that I am ugly and cannot believe that anyone would ever be attracted to me. I know I am married, but he never calls me anything nice. He never says that he thinks I am pretty or beautiful or anything. So if he doesn’t why should anyone else think of me any differently.

And now my stomach is so scarred I am ashamed of how I look. I am ashamed of how my arms look with their scars and if we were to go away on holiday it would have to be to a place where no one would need to see me in swim wear – not that I actually have any because I don’t go swimming any more…but its all just too much and I can’t write any more so going to leave it here.

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4 thoughts on “Day 15/30 Your reflection in the mirror

  1. You painted a really cool picture of how you look. I think your scars are beautiful. Scars tell a story and they show how resilient the human body is. I always wanted purple hair, dreadlocks, and a pierced nose. Instead I sought my Mum and Dad’s approval for years of my life. What a waste. Last year I began the steps to do what I want. What makes me happy? I now have tattoos. And I’m considering a nose piercing, and nipple piercings. My body, my choice. Don’t care if you don’t like. I’ve made a point of looking the mirror and accepting what I see. Especially the things we cannot change.

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    • Thank you! I have always rebelled in some way against what my mum would like. I still want some more tattoos and piercings. I agree, it is your body and should do what you want to express who you are. Thank you for your comment about my scars. They make me feel like a freak. I hide them, cover them up, don’t let anyone see them because I don’t want to have to explain them. The ones on my arms don’t bother me so much, but the ones on my tummy do. They make me cry when I look in the mirror. I avoid the mirror because the amount of intense hatred I have for what I see is too much and I wind up wanting to hurt myself more. It triggers me, so I don’t look unless I have to. I am slowly expressing who I am a little more, but it is still confused inside me. I don’t know entirely who I am or what I want. It’s difficult some days because I am 14 and want one thing and then later I am older and want something entirely different. I like what I have done so far and am embracing those small changes. As for the things I cannot change….these are harder to deal with and will probably take me some time to feel comfortable and not to feel the way I feel.

      Thank you for sharing with me and for your kind words. xx

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