Day 14/30 Something you miss

Well, this is not easy to answer. There are lots of things that I miss. I miss being able to live my life, being able to do things without anxiety and fear taking over. I miss having something I enjoy doing, like going to uni and making a difference to people. I miss so much…

HOWEVER, there is one thing I do miss more than anything else and that is my best friend. My husband.

Since I have been unwell, our relationship has suffered immeasurably. We have next to no support from either side of my family. The only person there is my dad and step-mum, but that is limited and doesn’t mean that they fully understand. To be honest, we don’t tell them everything that is going on because it’s just easier not to talk about it.

I have talked about my husband before, so apologies if I am repeating myself.

We have known each other coming up for 21 years. We were 14. When we were 15 we went out for a week! I really liked him and he liked me too, however the lady who ran the youth group we attended gave us an ultimatum. We could either go out together but one of us would have to leave the group or we could remain just friends and both stay at the group. At that age we were both really fucked off with her, but we also knew that neither of us wanted to leave. It was a safe place for us both to go, the people there were like family and we didn’t want to lose that. So we decided that we would remain friends despite having an attraction to one another. We just became closer as friends and spent time hanging out and being with our other friends. I had boyfriends and he had his girlfriends.

At my 18th birthday, following a lot of booze I made a move on him in the nightclub we were in, we moved away from where the seats were and found ourselves in the fire exit. We got interrupted so it didn’t go any further than a lot of kissing and groping, but it was a lot of fun and we both remember the evening well, despite the booze!

At 20 he got married and my heart kind of broke. 6 months later I got married. Neither of us were happy a lot of the time and I missed him a lot.

His marriage broke down after two years and mine ended after 4 years. He was my best friend in the entire world. We could talk about anything and everything, we laughed we had fun, we could be serious, we liked similar things and just being with him made me feel incredibly safe.

I fell in love with him deeply towards the end of my first marriage and he had feelings for me. We never acted on them whilst I was still with my husband, but after I had been separated for a month we decided to take the plunge. We knew that there would be no going back, that if this was going to happen it would have to be all or nothing.

It has not been the easy love affair that either of us had hoped for. It has been full of stresses and strains from the word go. We have weathered most of those storms fairly well and managed to keep hold of that foundation of friendship we have always had.

Since I have been unwell though, the strain has been far greater than anything else we have experienced. He and I have both admitted to one another that we have considered leaving the other. We have gone from being lovers to just housemates. We have gone from sharing things to having things which have nothing to do with the other person. Our conversations are strained, our sense of humours are no longer in synch. He no longer reads me like a book and I no longer care about things like I used to.

I miss my best friend so much. He finds me frustrating and hard to deal with and I find him annoying and frustrating because he just doesn’t seem to get things. Where we would have once sat up all night sorting things out, it’s now a couple of snappy comments back and forth and then nothing. We don’t discuss things that matter any more, we don’t work together as a team. We have different ideas about things which then manifest in one or both of us getting pissed off at the other.

Then there are the children. Neither of us is willing to leave. Neither of us wants to leave and neither of us is going to leave. So therefore we are going to have to work on our relationship and get back what we used to have.

I have a memory like a sieve which annoys him, but he doesn’t listen which annoys me.

So, why are we still together?

We may have problems, but we love each other. He is my family and no matter what happens he makes me feel safe. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else, not even if they understood me. He loves me because I am always there, I have never let him down and I never will. I am his family.

I miss the easy times we had together, I miss having quality time with him. I miss having the connection I used to have with him and I do miss being intimate with him. I miss us.

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